Stress is deadly and it’s something I’ve been dealing with since I moved back to Kansas and even before then, but I’ve come to realize that my worries, my complaints and my stress were all legitimate and that it wasn’t complete bullshit after all.

I still have a lot of stress from Alan and I’s relationship but I really do hope things will get better soon. For the past year, I’ve been dealing with him telling me that my feelings were complete bullshit especially when it came to me trying to tell him and explain to him that he hasn’t treated me the same since we first met in October when I went to Michigan. He’d tell me that it was bullshit and that I was making stuff up but I knew I wasn’t and him treating me that way didn’t stop me from being the girlfriend I wanted to be for him.

It wasn’t until last weekend that I finally told him to just go be happy elsewhere because I couldn’t make him happy anymore – nothing I did or said seemed to make him happy at all and that’s the impression I got every time we talked. He told me that he realized why he had been shutting me out and that it was because when I left Michigan, it hurt him a lot…and he hadn’t felt that much hurt/pain since his last relationship when his girlfriend cheated on him. At first I was happy that he told me because I realized that I wasn’t making stuff up after all, that he indeed had been acting differently and treating me differently but now I’m having a hard time accepting it because for the past year I’ve been made to feel that my feelings were complete bullshit and now I’m just suppose to accept that I was right and everything is great.

He’s been calling me and texting me a lot more in the last few weeks which is what I’ve wanted him to do. He’s been nice to me and talks to me which is what I’ve wanted him to do and before he told me what he came to realize, I figured he was just going out of his way to be nice to me because I complained so much about how mean he was. He’s hurt my feelings a lot and made me feel like I didn’t make him happy despite always calling, always texting, always buying things for him, always telling him I love him and miss him. I want to believe that I make him happy and I want to believe that he loves me just as much as he did when he first met me, but now that I know I was right even though he called bullshit on me I don’t know what to think.

Because I was getting so tired of feeling hurt and broken down, I stopped saying I love you. In the beginning, I figured that if I didn’t say it maybe it’d get his attention but it didn’t…but in the end, it ended up hurting his feelings. The one thing that actually hurts his feelings is me not saying I love you. I didn’t stop saying it because I don’t love him, I do…it’s just I don’t know, I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt anymore than I already had been. I didn’t want to leave him, I didn’t want to break up and end our relationship because I love him tremendously but I didn’t know what else to do – I just wanted him to stop and listen to me and understand where I was coming from and stop calling bullshit on everything I said.

I don’t know if things will get better, I can only be hopeful and say that they will. I don’t hold anything against him, I’m not mad at him for what he’s done and said to me up to this point, but I feel like he owes me a lot; I had to leave Michigan to come home, I wasn’t leaving to hurt him or to say that I’m never coming back…but all he’s done is hurt me by shutting me out and I continued to be there and be a girlfriend to him. I love him but now I just don’t believe that I make him happy at all because I’ve been told so many times that everything is complete bullshit.

Tags: Alan, Relationships

I feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship, the person who follows everyone around because they don’t have someone to hang out with by themselves, or the person people invite along because they feel bad for them. In my case, however, I feel like I’m the last one to get any kind of attention at all and that every thing comes before I do; now granted, there are some things in life that ARE more important – job, school – and I’m not selfish enough to think that I SHOULD come before those things but it would be nice to get that phone call in the morning just to say hi and I love you, or that phone call in the middle of the day to see how things are going. I don’t get that…I don’t get anything at all, to be honest.

I try my best to not let the little things he does bother me, but they do and by the time they get to the point where I do say something I’m freaking PISSED off with the world. You may ask, why do you wait so long? Because, it doesn’t matter if I wait or if I say something right away his reaction is going to be the same – Ashley: I have a problem and it’s with you/us, Him: oh….*gets mad, tunes out* click, is basically how it seems to go in a nutshell. He’s quick to get pissed off with me about anything concerning us, he says it’s because I always say how he doesn’t do this, that or whatever when I’m not exactly perfect either. I never said I was perfect, and I don’t try to claim I am or act that way but if you have a problem with me or something I’m doing I won’t know unless you tell me which he doesn’t. I take the time to say something because it means enough to me to “fix” the problem, nothing I ever say seems to be important enough to him to actually do anything about it.

And I try not to say anything and hope things work themselves out because I don’t want to feel like I’m complaining all the time and this that and whatever, but I end up feeling that way anyways so I guess it shouldn’t matter if I wait or say something right away. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the person who’s there at his convenience, that when he WANTS to talk to me he’ll call. I make time out of my school schedule to call him, text him and see how he’s doing. On the weekends it’s the same thing but for him, it’s like he’s too busy with his own life – school during the weekend at night, hanging out with his mom on random days, sitting around on the weekend playing XBox – to have ANY time for me, to call me, to see how I am, to think about me etc. etc. If I had the will power to turn off my phone and keep it off and not bother calling him at all – ever – then I would but I don’t.

Nothing I ever do or say seems to be taken seriously…and right now, I have nothing left in me. I care but at the same time I don’t. Whatever.

Tags: Alan, Relationships