World of Warcraft was released in November of 2004; I had played part of the beta because the guy I was dating at the time had access to it. I figured since he was so into gaming, if I liked this game I would buy it and we could play together giving us something else to do and another different way to ‘spend’ time together. I got the game when it was released in 2004 and have played it religiously for the past 2.5 years (almost 3!!). Today is the day that I cancel my account for the last time never to reactivate it again; I have cancelled it twice in the past 2 months only to be convinced by some gaming friends to reactivate it…NOT THIS TIME!!!

It sounds really cheesy when you think of someone spending all their hours of the day locked away in their bedroom (or where ever your PC is located), pounding mercilessly at the keyboard, with a headset with mic attached glued to your head at all times. But the reality of the matter is this: gaming addiction is no different than any other addiction and is just as hard to break. Do I think I sound weird when I say that I had a gaming addiction to WoW? Of course I do, but the reality was that I did…and I had for the 2.5 years, although the time spent in the game had been drastically reduced at the beginning of 2007. I, like most WoW players, spent all my free time on the PC, raiding “hardcore” until 3-4am sometimes (beginning around 7-8pm EST). I put off spending time with my family (don’t really have any friends to put off, and no that wasn’t a result of the game) and decided to skip out on many activities, along with failing out of my first semester of college because I felt obligated to be there for a raid and not to let my guild down.

Cheesy, stupid, dumb, illogical I know what it sounds like especially if you’ve never played a video game as such but the truth is there are millions of players who are in the exact situation I was. I cannot hate the game completely because I met some amazing online friends via the game along with my current boyfriend, so for that I am thankful. However, after 2.5 years of gaming continuously only to lose interest in it in the last couple of months per drama filled environment and the release of The Burning Cursade expansion it is time to hang up my hat and never look back.

Yesterday was probably one of the lowest/worst days I’ve had in awhile; there is nothing like receiving a 20 page hand written letter from your ex-boyfriend (whom you dated for 2 years back when you were 15/16 years old…I’m 21 and he’s 22 now) who is locked away in prison for 13 years (has 8 years left) for a stupid decision that he made, basically telling me that I am an asshole and made him feel like a worthless piece of trash because I asked him in a letter all the questions I had been wanting to ask for the last three years about he, we got from Point A to Point B (which is him being locked up).

You see…I lived in Kansas for about 5 years, and I was forced to move away after the end of my ninth grade year to South Carolina to be with my mom. My mom had left KS a few months prior to me being sent to live with her and because of the situation with my stepmom and I, my dad basically kicked me out. Barry (my ex) and I dated for a year long distance and then we decided to remain friends, and friends we have been. I had planned on moving back to Kansas after I graduated from high school because well…after 5 years of living in Kansas it had become home and I loved it there, not to mention I wanted to be with him. The same month that I graduated high school was the same month he got busted with all the lame stuff and got arrested; how was I suppose to move back at that point when he was going to be the sole provider for the time being? It just didn’t feel right to me and so I never went back, and now he holds against me saying that I never planned on coming back.

He doesn’t understand that I only asked the questions; questions about how he met certain people that got him in trouble, what other drugs besides pot he was invovled with, why he made the decision to beat the crap out of the boy; was because I wanted to better understand why we were at the point we were at now, and for three years I had been trying to figure out the answers and no one (not even his mom) would give me straight answers. But because I asked about all the ‘bad’ stuff from the past, I made him feel like crap because I made him dig up the things that he has thought about for the past 3 years, and look at the decisions he has made that has messed up his whole life. I never once called him a name, told him to screw off or what have you; if I truly didn’t care or thought he was worthless, I wouldn’t waste my time by seeing him whenever I get the chance to visit KS (like last month) or even writing. However the part that stuck out the most of the WHOLE letter is this and I quote:

“You see, I realize the difference between your love for me, and the love my mom has for me. EVEN in prison, if I were to continue to make poor choices that affect only me, my mom would still love me while some how I get the impression that you have to write a 5 page letter explaining how I “fucked up your life” so I guess you can make yourself feel better. Because the bottom line is this, YOU NEVER PLANNED ON MOVING BACK TO KANSAS! If you had, me comming to prison would not have effected ANYTHING! But this is where the truth lies, you love is conditional. Tell me if I’m wrong. If it was unconditional, LCF would not be a “barrier” like you say it is. I know men who have been locked up 15…20 years and their wives, the women that profess their love for them mean it. I’m not saying you don’t mean what you say, I said it’s conditional.

Basically to sum it all up; I apparently don’t love him or care about him enough or at all because I won’t/can’t just drop the life that I have had to make for myself outside of living in Kansas to move back and be closer to him. That basically, if I moved back that would be the only way to prove that I was there for him 150% and loved him as I say I do. I do love him, I always will and always have…but waiting for someone, at a young age (21), for the next 8 years would be in my opinion cheating myself out of so much. I did not make the decision he did that put him where he is but yet I have made the decision to stick by him as a friend because all he has is his family (mainly only his mom) and because I do care about him but apparently me being there for him is not enough. He doesn’t seem to understand and/or realize that I have to do what I feel is right for me and my life at this point, and at this point I don’t feel that me moving back to Kansas is the right thing for me.

In the end, I know that I am not perfect and yes I too have put him through some rough times over the last seven years and have made decisions that I am not proud of, but never once did I ever think that he didn’t love me through it all and never once did I ever think that he didn’t care; since day one of all this happening, I have done nothing but try to be a friend and be a support system in the best way that I knew how being so far away all the while still trying to make decisions that I feel are right in my mind and heart so that I could be okay with my OWN life. Deep down, I do still love him like I did when we first met and that won’t ever change, perhaps I am selfish…does it make me selfish because I want something more than just someone stuck behind prison walls that you only get to visit a few times a few and only get a few hugs & kisses at the beginning and end? I don’t think it is. I have a lot of decisions to make for myself, decisions that I will have to live with the rest of my life and I’m not about to make a false, irrational move and drop everything that I’ve worked hard on for the past three years because he feels that my love is conditional.

I love him. I’m there for him but I am not strong enough to be called an asshole and told in a round about way that you don’t love me or care about me otherwise you’d come back…and that “answers to the great underlying problem was indeed you and not having you,” thus only opening back up my feelings of it was all my fault.

I enjoy taking baths, what girl doesn’t, HONESTLY? Baths with and without bubbles, with and without candles lit; it’s relaxing. I take them frequently…yes that means I’m a CLEAN person, but I take a bath even when I don’t really need too just to chill out sometimes. I was talking to lover a few weekends ago and I told him about the whirlpool tub that was at the hotel my mom & I stayed the night in while driving home from Kansas a few weeks back; the tub was amazing. I told him that when we got a house, I wanted a whirlpool tub; he kind of laughed at me because they are expensive!

Just out of curoisty, I did a search on whirlpool tubs and man…I really can’t wait to have one in my house; screw the expense, I’ll make up for it promise! I found some pretty interesting bath tubs too, for example this one which allows you to choose colors to fit your mood, haha.

I’m ready for classes to start…I say this pretty much every time a semester ends and I’m left at home with absolutely nothing to do, and then when the new semester does finally start I attend classes like I should the first couple of weeks and then BAM…if a class bores me (but it’s one I need) I attend when I see fit; why do I do this? Why can’t I just be like “okay, you know you need to go so go!.” This semester (Fall 07), however, I want to do the best that I can as it’s my last semester at Tech and before transferring to a 4 year school to start my bachelor’s.

I have 5 classes to take this coming semester; two of which I have to take because they are required, math (hopefully will be college algebra) and science (biology 102). The others are pretty much left up to me and are my choice however they either fall under humanities or electives. I’m going to try (if it’s offered) and take; Marriage & Family and Juvenile Delinquency which are sociology classes and Alcohol & Drug Abuse. I plan to major in psychology when I transfer off to FGCU, and so the classes that I’ve been taking since being at Tech aside from the required math, science, english have been nothing but psychology/sociology classes…not to mention I try to take classes on areas that interest me and also have had some effect on my life (such as alcohol & drug abuse…I haven’t experienced but just being around people that I care about deeply that have makes me want to take the course).

I don’t know when registeration starts though for this coming semester, and quite frankly I’m irritated with the FA office because they failed to inform me that my FAFSA was picked for verification; I have until July 13th (which is no big deal) to bring in copies of taxes forms to be verified…it’s like “wow, couldn’t you have mentioned this to me when I was actually in the office just last week asking about another question having to do w/ my finicial aid?.” Ugh.

My lover! He’s coming to visit me for Labor Day weekend, and meet my mom and family. I’m really excited. At the current moment, being in a long distance relationship we don’t get to see each other very often as I can’t just pick up and leave when my classes are in session and he can’t leave because of work. However, we both decided and he felt it was time that he came up here as I’ve already been down to Florida three times to see him. It’s only fair…the relationship goes both ways and it’ll make it easier on me when I do go down to Florida any time after my mom meeting him because I won’t here the comments about how I always go down there and he never comes up here. Granted it’s still 2.5 months away, I’m really excited and have already started thinking of some things we can do around town because he’s not the kind of person that can just sit around as he gets bored easily. However, with it being a new place he’ll be entertained I am sure. I miss him a lot.  

I’m sick of hearing about this spoiled brat to be honest with you as I am sure most people are, however what irks me is what has been going on with her as of lately. She was sentenced to a 45 day jail stay because of violating her parole and driving with a suspended liscense. Said sentence was cut down to 23 days because of “good behavior”; how the hell do you receive good behavior days when you hadn’t even been to jail yet? It makes no sense. Yesterday, she was released per a medical condition after 3 days. No medical condition is so great that it should warrant early release from any sentence (unless you’re dying!).

I could careless about Paris Hilton, but the fact that she was released WAY early from her sentence pissed me off along with milliosn of other people. Maybe it is because I know someone who is personally locked away in jail for a rightful reason for many years and yet her she is, someone with fame and fortune, and actually has to face the fact that she screwed up and gets out of it early because she was going to have a nervous breakdown. Maybe I should get my ex boyfriend (whom is locked up) to yell wolf and claim medical reason after reason as to why he would be better off at home…yeah right that would never happen. It’s been stated that any medical condition that she has can be delt with via the prison doctors etc.

And so this morning, Paris Hilton was drug back to the court and told by the same judge that sentenced her that she will finish her jail sentence out in the jail and not at home; after all this judge TOLD her when he sentenced her to being with that she was not allowed to serve her sentence at home with electronic monitoring devices. It’s about time someone actually steps up to the plate and does not allow a celebrity use their fame & fortune for their stupid mistakes and actually is making her FACE what she has done. She should be grateful she isn’t locked away for years…