When I moved into my apartment back in August, I was worried about how I was going to afford Internet and cable which is a necessity for a college student; the Internet more so than the cable TV! However, lucky for me I found an apartment that included wireless Internet in the monthly rent and while this sounds like a good deal it isn’t because the Internet is slower than dial up and YOU never thought that was possible, pfft. And so after dealing with the Internet being slow for days at a time and not working a few weeks ago, I started to search for companies that I could get cable and Internet through; unfortunately, I only have one option and that’s to go through the local cable company here in town.

BUT, if you’re lucky enough to live in an area that offers Charter Services you could get a great deal on television, high speed Internet and telephone service all while earning a chance to win a 2009 Civic Hybrid; not only will you save green on essential services but you’ll also be helping the environment if you’re lucky enough to win the Civic Hybrid that gets up to 45mpg. In order to have get a chance at winning this awesome, environment friendly car you need to check out Charter Services and purchase one of their packages OR live in an area that offers Charter Services.

Take it from me as someone who deals with dial-up slow Internet on a daily basis, this is not an opportunity you want to pass up…I know if I had the money to afford Internet through another company while having the chance to win a new car, I’d definitely sign up!

How has every one’s week been? Mine has been fairly good minus the fact that the air mattress I was using managed to get a big unfixable hole in it and the last two nights have been spent sleeping on the couch and floor…hopefully, I’ll be able to get new mattresses soon if not at least another air mattress because this sleeping arrangement has got to go.

I’m in the midst of studying hard again as I have two mid-terms next week ON the same day, Tuesday. Luckily though fall break starts on the 16th. It’s not really a break like spring break since it’s only until the 19th so really it’s just a long weekend but I’m not complaining! Any time off from classes is welcomed…I don’t have any plans for it though. I originally wanted to try and go to Michigan to see Alan or possibly go back to South Carolina to see family during that time but I don’t have the funds to do either My mom is suppose to come out here for Thanksgiving though so it’s alright.

Anyways, I’m off to get ready for class and come home and sleep because I didn’t sleep good at all last night!

Every time, I see his mom tear up and cry it breaks my heart because she misses her son and she has a daughter that doesn’t talk to her unless she (the daughter) needs her to watch the kids, which she’s always willing to do because those are her grand kids. He has seven more years of time to do and with each passing day, he grows stronger, more intelligent, more patient but I know he’s hurting inside. He doesn’t get the chance to watch his niece and nephew grow up, he doesn’t get to take care of his mother like he wants too, his step-dad probably won’t be around when he gets out or at least not for long there after, he doesn’t get to experience life during the “twenty somethings.”

He made a mistake, a horrible one at that. I believe he deserves to do his time, but I feel that he was wrongly sentenced…he’s doing more time than he should have to do. I mean, 13 years for “attempted first degree murder” having never been in trouble with the law before thus having no criminal record, and then to find out that there is another inmate in the same prison who was convicted of the same charge two years prior, is the same age as him, and even was convicted of two other charges and his earliest release date is seven years AFTER being in prison while his is elven? Why did they have to make an example out of him, I just don’t get it.

It hurts me because he’s my best friend, I’ve known him since I was fourteen and he’s the only person in my life who hasn’t come and gone…he’s still there and has always been there for me. It’s hard for me because I haven’t been in Kansas for the past seven years up until August when I moved back for school, thus I haven’t been able to be there for him like I”ve wanted to be. I haven’t done the best job in the time I lived in South Carolina communicating back and forth with him through letters, and I didn’t keep in touch with his mom even though I should have but for me it was easier to deal with it by NOT dealing with it. And now, I’m back and I expect him to be there and he’s not and it’s hard to not get the feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and see if he wants to go to movie or something.

He, honestly, is the best friend I’ve ever had and best friends and people you can truly trust are hard to come by. I am grateful for the friendship we have because it’s something I need, it’s something he needs. I’ve always felt in my heart that he wouldn’t do the entire 13 years, that he’d get out way sooner than that but I know I’m hurting myself by entertaining the thought, but I’ve always strongly felt that way. I hope that happens for his sake, for his mom’s sake, for his niece and nephew’s sake…they need him and he needs them, he made a mistake and he’s learned from it; he’s gone from a 19 year old boy to an intelligent, articulate young man…he’s using his time wisely and I just feel like what he’s been doing the last three years has to account for something, but what can I do? What is there to do? I don’t know, I don’t know where to start.

I’ll continue to visit him every other weekend and as often as I can. I’ll continue to be a support system and be there for him. I’ll continue to be the only friend he has aside from his mom and I’ll continue loving him and caring about him because he needs people in his life that do. Most of all, I’ll continue to pray that someone realizes that he shouldn’t be in there for the next seven years and he’ll do so much better on the outside; don’t get me wrong, I believe he deserves to do his time for the mistake he made, but I don’t believe it should be for as long as he got…

Lately with all the stress I’ve been under and all the emotional things I’ve been dealing with, I’ve been trying to find ways to keep myself occupied and make myself feel better. One of the things I did, with the advice of my mom, is make an appointment at the counseling center on campus; my first appointment isn’t until October 20th (it’s all they had) so I have to hang in there until then. Another of the things, I’ve been checking into is joining a gym and I’m in the process of finding one that is open 24 hours. We have a rec center on campus but because it’s a larger university with many people who go there, you have to wait in line just to use the machines, so I decided I’d find a gym off campus. I’m hoping there is a 24 hour one around here some where that way I can go any time I want and when I get a job, I can go after work if I feel like it. I’ve also been trying to eat healthier and started buying more fruit to eat for snacks and such. Another thing I’ve been looking into is vitamins to add to my routine once I start up the exercise thing; I need to lose weight and become more healthy in general, and I don’t want to resort to taking a diet pill like Fenphedra but I figured that adding vitamins/supplements to my diet would help in general and make me feel better overall.

What it comes down too is that I am depressed and I admit that and I’m taking the correct measures to get out of the “hole” I’m in. I’m not depressed because I’m on my own, have my own apartment, or left South Carolina but mainly because I have no one to be around or hang out with - that’s my biggest problem right now. The good thing about it though is the fact that I’ve been through counseling before and I’ve been through the depression stage before (when my parents got divorced) and I’ve gotten out of it too, so I know I can do this. I’ll be okay in the end

I don’t live in the best of neighborhoods in the nicest apartment complex; in fact, I live in an old apartment complex where drugs are present on a street that cops drive down frequently. The first week I moved in they busted a potential meth lab in an apartment at the end of my building, and ever since then things have been kind of odd with random people hanging around and knocks on the door. In the last two weeks alone, I’ve had THREE people (one guy I recognized that lives in the complex, the other two I have no idea who they were) knock on my door at random times (one during the day, two at night with the latest being 1:30am).

Needless to say, it’s freaked me out each time because there is no need to come knocking on my door especially at 1:30am. I know they are looking for drugs and whoever they are looking for apparently has given them the wrong address, not only that but the person who lived in this apartment before me lived here for 13 years and it was an older lady so I don’t know what the hell is going on with that. The property manager is aware of the situation and keeps an eye out for me and the complex in general because he knows that I’m here for school and by myself; he’s spoken to my mom a few times on the phone. I’m going to talk with him about getting some more secure door hardware for the front door because currently there is only a single dead bolt and it isn’t very secure, in my opinion. I think having an extra lock or two would make me feel a bit safer at night. We’ll see…if things don’t change soon, I’ll start looking for a new apartment.

Anberlin has been one of my favorite bands for quite some time now. The following song is constantly being played on repeat in Itunes. What do you think of it? I love it.\

emotive unstable.
your like an unwinding cable car.
listening for voices,
buts its the choices that make us who we are.
go your own way.
even season have change.
just burn those new leaves over.
so self-absorbed, you’ve seem to ignore,
the prayers that have already come about.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in.
la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la

backing away from the problem of pain.
you never had a home.
you’ve been misguided.
you’re hiding in shadows for so very long.
don’t you belive that you’ve been decived?
that your no better than…
the hair in your eyes it never disguised
what your really thinking of.

[x2]
this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in.

[x2]
you’re so brilliant.
dont soon forget.
your so brilliant.
grace marked your heart.

this is the correlation of salvation and love.
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in and out of the dark.
la la la la la la la la la la la
dont drop your arms.
la la la la la la la la la la la

[x2]
this is the correlation of salvation and love.
(dont drop your arms)
dont drop your arms.
i’ll guard your heart.
with quite words i’ll lead you in.

lyrics from Astraweb

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For the past year, I tried my damnedest to make my relationship with Alan work - everything was amazing up until I went to Michigan in October of 2007 to meet him for the first time and after that things just seemed to go down hill. The way he acted towards me changed, he wasn’t the same sweet guy I had initally started talking too over World of Warcraft. I knew that a long distance relationship would be hard, I had been through one before with a person that I hadn’t met via the internet but actually knew IRL prior to it becoming long distance; but I wanted to try because I liked Alan, I liked the way he made me feel.

I tried my best to be the girlfriend I wanted to be to him, I tried my best being the girlfriend I know I can be to someone. I tried my best to do the “girlfriend” things I wanted to do being so far away…but it was never enough, I never felt like it was enough. I never felt like I went out of my way to do things for him because everything I ever did was something I WANTED to do yet it still wasn’t enough. I never asked for anything - gifts, money, visits - nothing except support and comfort. All I ever wanted from him, from someone, was a shoulder to lean on when things got hard and someone I could go too when I needed comfort and support. I wanted someone to be there for me, someone to make me feel important but in the end, I just didn’t do it right…I wasn’t worthy of the importance.

I sent him an email last night explaining my feelings to him, telling him what I felt like and how I’ve felt for the past few weeks. I wanted to make things better, I wanted things to get better because I was tried of arguing, I was tried of crying, I was tried of feeling the way I felt and yet he couldn’t even take the 5 minutes out of his time to read the email like I asked him too…and all he could say was sorry - no if you were sorry, then you would have read the email, if you cared then you would have read the email. I was TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER and you couldn’t even read the email!! Instead, he got pissed off at me because I needed to get “off his back” and told me to shut the fuck up, and when I tried to tell him that he didn’t need to be rude and disrespectful he hung up the phone and I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this or what I ever did to deserve to be treated like this. All I wanted was for someone to love me, for someone to care about me and be there for me…all I wanted was to feel important and to be important to someone…I just wanted to feel like I had a place in someone’s life. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad girlfriend but it just wasn’t enough. I’ve cried so much this past month that I’m surprised my eyes still produce tears. I’ve tried to explain myself, my feelings, everything and he just won’t have it - he pushes me away, he closes me off, he ignores me and makes me feel 10x worse than I already do. I don’t understand what I did, I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!

I love him, I do and all I wanted was to make him happy and I thought I did, he told me I did just like he told me he cared about me and loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me and I believed it…but yet his actions, his words told me the complete opposite yet I kept believing that he felt the way he said he did. I never asked to be lead on, I never asked to be hurt, I never asked for anything except to have someone that loved me and cared about me. I just don’t get it…I just…don’t get it. I have nothing left in me and it hurts because I love him and he won’t even answer the phone. Why me?

It’s not okay…but I’ll stay out of his life, I’ll go. Me being gone won’t effect him anyways, he’ll go about his life like I never existed and he’ll be completely fine; that hurts, but it’s what he wants. He doesn’t want to deal with me, he doesn’t love me or care about me and that hurts..a lot. Because I gave myself to him, I gave my heart to him after so many years of not allowing ANYONE in and he broke it. Now I remember why I didn’t date anyone for three years prior to meeting him because I was tired of being hurt, I was tired of being broken down only for those guys to realize after the fact that they made a mistake. I don’t know what else to do…it won’t be easy because I love him but I don’t make him happy - he doesn’t want me, so what else do I have to give?