If you ever met my boyfriend, Alan, on the streets and asked him to describe my personality I wouldn’t be surprised if he told you that I’m an emotional mess. Sure, it may sound pretty harsh but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised - he tells me all the time I’m too emotional like being emotional is a crime; even when I’m the happiest, in his mind, I’m probably too emotional.

So, I’ve had a hard time since he left two weeks ago, I’m not going to lie and in fact, I think I said it somewhere in a previous post but despite what he may think, it has nothing to do with him. I’m more stressed out and emotional over school than I am over anything else at this point in time, and while I do miss him and it completely sucks and pisses me off that I have to go through this distance crap again, I don’t cry about it 24/7 and for some strange, odd reason I have a feeling he thinks I do. However, while it does bother me that I won’t be going to MSU and in turn will not be living closer to him for at least another year and half, to tell me to “get over it and move on” is completely insensitive. If you want to think/feel that way, that’s fine you have every right too but I have every right to feel completely shitty if I want too and when I was talking about how I felt, I felt shitty but will I feel shitty tomorrow about it? No, because it’s NOT my biggest concern despite what you may think!

I’m not sitting here dwelling over it or crying about it - I did tonight, but that’s ONE night in TWO weeks and he has to show his ass. I never will understand why he acts like his feelings and opinions are superior to mine; when we’re together, it’s not that way but when we’re apart it’s unbearable because he makes me feel worse rather than better. In his mind and his train of thought, I just need to get over everything that’s thrown my way, don’t cry about it at all, don’t be upset, don’t let it bother me - just get over it and not be bothered. I’m not like that, and he doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that when you sit there with an attitude and tell me to get over it that it’s only going to make it worse, and it’s being a complete jerk.

I can agree to disagree. He always has the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude whether he wants to admit to it or not; if what you feel or what you’re talking about irritates him, he doesn’t want to talk anymore and goes into this complete immature mode where he mocks you and does this “OMG! I’m so sorry, you’re right and I’m wrong, I’m sorry!” and keeps repeating it in this annoying tone of voice, instead of just listening to you and trying to understand. One person can feel the complete opposite about something yet still show sensitivity to how you feel and vice versa. That’s ALL I wanted tonight when I was talking about how I felt in regards to not being able to be with him and have to deal with the distance crap even longer. He doesn’t have to feel an ounce of sadness, but don’t be a jerk to me because you think I need to get over it - instead, sit there and listen and understand that it upsets me and if I want to cry, let me cry and comfort me!

I realize that over time crying about X subject will get repetitive and eventually, one will get tired of listening to it but it’s only been two weeks and in that two weeks I’ve hardly said a damn thing about our relationship, why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT AN ISSUE WITH ME! What I’ve been feeling the past two weeks has everything to do with school…so stop jumping down my throat when for the first time in two weeks, I bring up how I really do feel about the distance and just let me feel the way I want too without making me feel worse because you think I need to get over it.

All I’ve ever asked is that my feelings as well as my opinions/beliefs be respected and treated the same way you’d want your own thoughts and feelings to be treated, and a lot of the time I don’t feel like I get that. No one’s feelings or opinions are superior to the others and when one feels differently than you do, there is no need to be a jerk or bitch to them just because they have a different train of thought. You wouldn’t say something/talk about something or do something if you knew it’d make someone upset, you’d try your best to either avoid the subject or if it is brought up make sure the person isn’t around out of respect for their feelings OR if the person openly tells you something that’s bothering them or upsetting them, and you don’t fully grasp why the hell they are even bothered by it, just be sensitive and try to comfort them the best you can - don’t tell them to get over it…it doesn’t work that way and that’s just being rude.

I may be an emotional mess and I may get upset and stressed out over many things that you can’t even understand why I’d be bothered by in the first place, but at this point in time I don’t think YOU understand just how stressful my situation is, and how big of a change it is for me. You need to realize and understand it really quick, because YOU are the one I want to be there to comfort me and support me.

I bought the name, these-words.org, back in 2005 for a special price of $2.99 from Yahoo! Business. Every year since then, I’ve renewed my name with Yahoo! for $9.95/year which was a great deal to me considering other places I’ve looked into cost a lot more; well good thing I checked to see when my renewal for this year would take place because it’s no longer $9.95/year.

My renewal is in Septemeber at a tune of $34.95/year, which I’m very irritated by. Not only did the price increase ten fold but I have yet to receive any sort of notice/email about the increase; if I have, then I must have skipped over it and/or deleted it without looking. I emailed the tech support people immediately because I wanted to know why on earth I was going to be charged $34.95 this year for renewing a domain NAME (nothing else included, JUST the name), the answer I got was the following:

I would like to inform you that Yahoo! Domains registration
charges cost 9.95$ and annual renewal charges cost 34.95$. Our prices
continue to offer customers the best value proposition for our services.
We remain committed to offering our customers the most competitive
pricing possible. The price increase is necessary to continue to provide
superior service to all our customers.

Wait, what - “the best valuve proposition for our services”? I ONLY HAVE A DOMAIN NAME, not hosting, not email, just a name and you want to charge me $35 for it?! The weird thing about it is that when you go to sign up for a DOMAIN NAME through Yahoo! it says “Just get a domain name. $9.95 per year,” does that not mean you pay $9.95 a year for the name? I think so, which is exactly what I have been paying. Not only that, but I noticed that it costs $34.95/year for Custom Mailbox package they offer - I never signed up for this nor do I use any kind of email through Yahoo!.

And so, I’ll wait to hear back from them again on Monday and possibly call them to see if this is a mistake or not, and if it’s not I will be moving my domain name to Godaddy who is offering a discount rate for people moving their domains from Yahoo! to their service and only charges $9.99 to renew each year.

My mom left Kansas in April of 2001, I stayed behind and lived with my dad, step-mom and sister because starting high school with my friends and being with my then boyfriend was more important to me than anything else in the world. When my dad kicked me out and sent me packing to live with my mom in South Carolina only three or four months after she left, I didn’t ever think I was going to go back; at that time, I wasn’t and since then I never felt like I’d ever live in Kansas again and over time that was okay with me.

However, that may change in a month and I’m not exactly sure how to feel about it. As most of you know, I was accepted to Michigan State University which I had been pulling up my GPA/grades to get into for the past year; I was ecstatic about it when I received my admissions packet and couldn’t wait to get things going…however, I won’t be able to attend because of the finances. As an out of state student the cost of attendance is $35,838 for a year (two semesters), with $21,000+ of that coming from a loan my mom had to apply for which she was denied. With her being denied, there is no way I can cover the cost of MSU outside of what my financial aid covers and believe me, I’ve pushed, pulled, twisted, screamed and hollered until I made sure every last option was exhausted.

It upsets me greatly because all I wanted for the past year was to get into MSU, to be going to Michigan to finish my schooling and be closer to Alan and now the one thing I’ve looked forward too all this time isn’t going to happen. It doesn’t help either that since finding out about my acceptance that these little “signs” keep popping up everywhere as if to tell me “hey you’re suppose to be going to Michigan!”; people moving from MI to SC, people visiting from MI, me checking people out at work who are from MI, seeing people around here wearing MI school t-shirts, MI mentioned on the news and the TV in general. I don’t know if you believe in such things, but I do…and for the first time in what seems forever, Michigan feels right and it’s still not happening.

Originally, I had no back up plan - it was MSU or nothing. At the last minute, I applied to University of South Carolina amidst an argument that Alan and I got into which made me feel like it wasn’t going to work out. And had it not been for me checking University of Kansas website, I wouldn’t have seen that they were accepting late applications until July 1st, and so I applied again - both schools accepted me. What’s nice about USC and KU is that I can receive in-state tuition from both schools, USC because I graduated from high school here and I’ve lived here for six years and KU because my dad still lives in KS and I can get tuition rates because of that. However, I’m having a hard time dealing with my decision…

As of right now, KU is at the top of the list, I’m just waiting to get my tuition rates figured out and waiting for the loan stuff to be cleared on my moms end. I never wanted to attend USC, and I’ve wanted to get out of SC for years now so KU seemed like the best choice out of the two. But even that makes me nervous. I’m nervous because of how much Lawrence has changed since I last lived there, I’m nervous because it is a big change and a big move but that would be the same even if I was going to MSU. Most of all, however, I’ve come to realize that I’m really worried about my mom. For the first time, in eight years (since my parents divorce), my mom will be alone as my brother plans on going back to KS as well to attend K-State.

I know, in the end, that I can’t let my mom being alone affect something that will effect me for the rest of my life, but it still bothers me. It also upsets me that Alan can’t be apart of my change and that I have to do it all alone. In the end, I’ll make it through…because I know I’m strong enough to do so, but god I never thought that going off to college and leaving home for the first time would be such a stressful thing.

Since Alan left to go back home last Saturday, I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the emptiness that was left behind. Even though he wasn’t here for a -long- time, it was long enough to get use to having him there when I wake up in the morning, to cuddle and hug with, to go out and do things with etc. and now that he’s back home the things I do on a normal basis feel weird. I don’t cry 24/7 and really I don’t think I’ve cried much compared to times in the past, but I do find myself feeling sad when I wake up in the morning and if I do cry it’s only for about a minute.

I don’t go throughout my day feeling sad or depressed, but some what bummed in the back of my mind. All I want and all my heart wants is to be with him and around him, to be in a ‘normal’ setting in our relationship so that we can do things together and see each other and then go home at the end of the day. I know that things will be great in the end, and that things will work out - that’s not what I’m worried about, in fact I’m not worried about anything aside from my school situation which I’ll talk about in a later post. But…I miss him, I knew I would and the more I feel towards him and realize how I do feel it’s just going to make it harder to be away. He means the world to me, and as long as he knows this and believes it to be the truth then I’ll be okay when he’s not around.

I’ve noticed lately in my stats that I have a lot of referring links from people that have linked to me on their website, whether it’s from the owner of that site visiting or it’s from other people. I’ve also noticed that there are a few people who have been commenting as of lately (thanks!) that have me linked on their sites. If you have me linked on your site, let me know so I can return the favor. I think a lot of the sites I’ve seen are from people who post over at Lavish, but I’m not exactly sure but I’d like to return the favor either way; not to mention, it’d be nice to have a larger link list.

I honestly cannot describe how extremely happy I am, despite Alan having left to fly back home this morning at 6am. The last week and a half that I spent with him was absolutely amazing and filled with happiness and laugther - it makes all the rough patches we went through worth it all. We celebrated our one year anniversary (June 29th) with a nice dinner at a japanese steakhouse and seeing the movie Wanted. We spent a night with my cousin, Brendan and her boyfriend, Dillon having some drinks and the rest of the time was spent watching movies or playing Xbox - just being together.

Nothing was ever brought up about the issues we’ve had since being apart (which I always attributed to the distance we have been us) and yet in the end, we both felt at ease with everything and felt that whatever needed to be worked out, had been worked out without ever saying a word. We just needed to be together.

And while, it makes me cry because he isn’t here and he’s not there for me to wake up to in the morning, I am extremely happy because I have someone that I can trust with my heart. He takes care of me and I take care of him and he’s the one person I know will always be there for me when no one else is. We are in this together for the long term and I can’t wait until we can be in a more normal and regular setting. And while, at this point in time my situation regarding school and his situation regarding work is uncertain, one thing that we both know will always be certain is us and I wouldn’t trade that for ANYTHING in the world.

Updates later.