Updates later.

It’s been a very long and rough six months but we managed to pull through all the hard times despite it seeming like it was over at times. He means the world to me and I cannot wait to be in his arms later tonight. I work from 7p-10p, will come home and change clothes and leave for the airport shortly after; I doubt I’ll be able to focus on anything but him flying in because I’m that excited. I know he’s tired of hearing me say how excited I am but hey…I have a RIGHT to be considering all the crap we’ve been through!

I’ve been majorly busy since yesterday though with cleaning my room and the bathroom - I let things pile up until I can’t stand it anymore so it seems like a huge job when I finally do get around to cleaning, I need to stop doing that. Right now, I’m in the process of washing a few more clothes before I throw in my sheets and blankets, then it’s off to shower and get ready for work and then…AIRPORT + ALAN!! Posting will most likely be very little this week while he is here, but don’t worry because I’ll have major updates later.

I still have a few things to change around in the content sections but I’m not sure when I’ll get around to doing that. I work 10p-5am tonight doing inventory, then I work 7p-10p tomorrow (Wednesday) night and Alan arrives at 11:50p tomorrow. The little things will have to wait, but it’s nothing major that should make viewing the site unbearable. Enjoy!

Okay, so perhaps that is really harsh for me to say, considering that I know my mom…and my dad love me very much. But sometimes, I just don’t understand, I have a hard time seeing through all the cloudiness that is life.

I feel like I have worked so hard to get through every obstacle that has been thrown my way; from my parents divorce, to my mom moving away and choosing to live with my dad and step-mom, to being kicked out and sent to live with my mom and not understanding what I had did wrong, to being completely put down by my dad, to not going to school and coming very close to not graduating and spending time in juvenile for a week, as well as being in the hospital for depression. I feel like I’ve come a very long way and that despite all the heart ache I feel like I’ve experienced, I’ve managed to get through it one way or another…until now.

I worked so hard to get into Michigan State over the past year and now when it finally comes down to getting accepted, I can’t afford it – my mom can’t afford it. My parents never step up any kind of savings for my brother and I for college, so we have no funds available to us aside from financial aid. She says they never had the money to be able to set up funds and perhaps that is true, but even so – it fucking sucks. I have two years left of school if you look at it from a junior to senior point of view and yet all I keep hearing from everyone is “it’s too expensive,” well it’s expensive no matter WHAT school I go too.

I was never handed anything in my life, I always had to work for it and I take pride in being able to do things on my own. But sometimes, I do wish that I had it a little easier, that I could afford things that other people have or just get handed to them. It doesn’t make me feel any better to be a good person when I have a cousin who’s a year younger than I and gets absolutely everything she wants and yet I can’t even afford to finish school.

Sure, things will probably work out in the end and I’ll end up going to University of S. Carolina or possibly University of Kansas because I can get instate tuition in both states (KS because my dad lives there) but we still CAN’T afford it even though it’ll be much cheaper than $35,000 at Michigan. But for once, I want something to work out the way I WANT it too and for once, I’d like to be able to get something that I REALLY want and have worked hard for – I thought MSU was going to be it, but it isn’t and it hurts.

What’s worse is that I feel like no one understands why I’m so frustrated, well I’ll tell you. I’m frustrated because I worked damn hard to get into a school that I was dead set on attending, despite the initial reasoning for applying there to being with. I got accepted after being turned down twice and now it comes down to finances. I’m frustrated because nothing ever works out the way I want it too, I always have to settle for second best, I can never have the best. I’m frustrated because I have no one that is willing to help me with anything that I do, especially if money is involved and I rarely ask for any kind of help because I like to do it on my own, but when I do ask I immediately get shut down.

I’m frustrated because while my education is important to me and I will finish one way or another, I do worry about my relationship with Alan if I don’t end up in Michigan ONLY because of the crap we’ve been through in the last five months. I’m even more frustrated because he’s the one person that I expect to be there and support me and yet he gets mad at me because “I need to calm the fuck down” – all I want is for him to just listen and support me, and understand my concerns and worries whether he thinks I need to calm down or not. Don’t hang up on me, don’t turn off your phone…it doesn’t make things better and in fact makes the situation that more difficult to deal with.

Since I found out the financial part of attending Michigan State, I’ve tried really hard to not think about it too much…only because Alan will be here in three days time and I want to focus on being happy and excited; yet I feel like I can’t even be that. I honestly don’t know what to do or feel anymore…when I get my hopes up about ANYTHING, they are crushed and I always have to settle for second best. When will I ever be worthy of the trophy prize?

In the next few weeks, I will be sending in my advanced enrollment deposit of $250 which will hold my spot for academic orientation as well as a spot in a residential hall. I will most likely, no scratch that, I will be attending the August 18th session since I live farther than 500 miles from the school. The august 18th session is a week before classes start, however, I’ll be able to move into my dorm on August 21st I believe so I won’t have to stay in a hotel long once I get there.

I’m nervous and excited, all at one time. I have worked so hard to get into MSU and it’s finally happened, yet I”m nervous because for the first time in my 22 years of life I’ll be living away from my family and from living under the roof of a parent, who has always been there when I needed them. It will be difficult to say goodbye, but it’s not the end of the world and I will see them again; I am ready for the next step in life and I’m ready to be able to be on my own, more so than I ever was before. I’ve been through so much in my life up to this point, I want to prove to myself that I have the strength to stand on my own two feet without someone always there to pick me up when I fall (not that they were anyways!). Not only that, but I’m ready to start the next chapter of my relationship with Alan…with our one year anniversary coming up fast on June 29th, I am excited about what the next year holds for us and so on and so forth with me being in Michigan - only an hour away rather than miles apart.

It’ll be a new experience for the both of us and most importantly for me, but I know I’ll make it and I’ll be okay and I have a feeling that I’ll come out on top in the end; I can’t wait.

However,  I must say that planning for any trip is very hetic. I had to wait around for awhile because Alan wasn’t sure when he’d be going back to work and didn’t want to plan anything in case he happened to get called back which I completely understood but with the price of gas and oil on the rise, tickets are inansely expensive. I mean…when I originally started looking they were around $260-280, and that was about two or three weeks ago; the trip is still 3 weeks away but the other night when I looked it had gone up to $300+. Granted, we could have saved about $30 by going with an air carrier other than Northwest, but we decided to spend the extra $30 so he could fly straight through on an air carrier we’re both familiar with and like. But even in the time that I was given the ‘go ahead’ the price jumped from $338 to $353…and thinking it’d keep climbing I bought them last night only for them to drop back down to $338 today.

But you know…$353 may seem like alot of money, and really when you think about it - it is a good chunk of change and even I cringed at the thought of spending so much…but I hate seeing large amounts of cash come out of my bank anyways because I’m such a frugal spender. However, $353 is well worth it considering I haven’t seen Alan in five months and I’m ready to be in his arms again! I can’t wait - 3 weeks and counting…AND HE’LL BE HERE FOR FOURTH OF JULY, which I’m REALLY excited about - fireworks and romance, yay!

I told him today that the argument we had and what had been said had scared me so much and upset me so much that I prematurely told him about MSU in hopes of diffusing the situation; I couldn’t keep the fact that I had told the white lie to myself, even though nothing had been mentioned again about MSU since that day. I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal but I don’t like the feeling of even the smallest of lies gives me, so I fessed up. He apparently has already told his mom that I got accepted too, which I didn’t know…

Bah. It seems lately I can’t do or say anything right and that I just keep disappointing myself and him. Even though, I said what I did, I didn’t do it to upset anyone especially him if it did. My letter has been sent out and it will be here next week which will give me a for sure answer…I just hope it works out the way I want it too.

I don’t know where the hell these referrers came from, but i noticed earlier a referring link that directed me to some japanese site that had a hotlink to an mp3 file on my server. Now I know why things have been loading so slowly as well as an increase in bandwidth. I immediately went into my control panel and enabled hotlinking protection which disabled all current hotlinks out there. I also made sure that when you type in the actual address to the folder that my mp3s are stored in, that you get directed to the main site so that no one can go into the folders and download from there.

I got that taken care of, but can’t seem to get the stupid bot off my site which has been here for the past…I don’t know 10 hours?! and flooding my stats page like crazy. Hopefully, the stupid thing will go away within the next day or two otherwise I’m going to be irritated…!