Archive for category Relationship

Stress and relationships.

Nov 12

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | No Comments

Stress is deadly and it’s something I’ve been dealing with since I moved back to Kansas and even before then, but I’ve come to realize that my worries, my complaints and my stress were all legitimate and that it wasn’t complete bullshit after all.

I still have a lot of stress from Alan and I’s relationship but I really do hope things will get better soon. For the past year, I’ve been dealing with him telling me that my feelings were complete bullshit especially when it came to me trying to tell him and explain to him that he hasn’t treated me the same since we first met in October when I went to Michigan. He’d tell me that it was bullshit and that I was making stuff up but I knew I wasn’t and him treating me that way didn’t stop me from being the girlfriend I wanted to be for him.

It wasn’t until last weekend that I finally told him to just go be happy elsewhere because I couldn’t make him happy anymore – nothing I did or said seemed to make him happy at all and that’s the impression I got every time we talked. He told me that he realized why he had been shutting me out and that it was because when I left Michigan, it hurt him a lot…and he hadn’t felt that much hurt/pain since his last relationship when his girlfriend cheated on him. At first I was happy that he told me because I realized that I wasn’t making stuff up after all, that he indeed had been acting differently and treating me differently but now I’m having a hard time accepting it because for the past year I’ve been made to feel that my feelings were complete bullshit and now I’m just suppose to accept that I was right and everything is great.

He’s been calling me and texting me a lot more in the last few weeks which is what I’ve wanted him to do. He’s been nice to me and talks to me which is what I’ve wanted him to do and before he told me what he came to realize, I figured he was just going out of his way to be nice to me because I complained so much about how mean he was. He’s hurt my feelings a lot and made me feel like I didn’t make him happy despite always calling, always texting, always buying things for him, always telling him I love him and miss him. I want to believe that I make him happy and I want to believe that he loves me just as much as he did when he first met me, but now that I know I was right even though he called bullshit on me I don’t know what to think.

Because I was getting so tired of feeling hurt and broken down, I stopped saying I love you. In the beginning, I figured that if I didn’t say it maybe it’d get his attention but it didn’t…but in the end, it ended up hurting his feelings. The one thing that actually hurts his feelings is me not saying I love you. I didn’t stop saying it because I don’t love him, I do…it’s just I don’t know, I guess I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt anymore than I already had been. I didn’t want to leave him, I didn’t want to break up and end our relationship because I love him tremendously but I didn’t know what else to do – I just wanted him to stop and listen to me and understand where I was coming from and stop calling bullshit on everything I said.

I don’t know if things will get better, I can only be hopeful and say that they will. I don’t hold anything against him, I’m not mad at him for what he’s done and said to me up to this point, but I feel like he owes me a lot; I had to leave Michigan to come home, I wasn’t leaving to hurt him or to say that I’m never coming back…but all he’s done is hurt me by shutting me out and I continued to be there and be a girlfriend to him. I love him but now I just don’t believe that I make him happy at all because I’ve been told so many times that everything is complete bullshit.

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Meet the one who is right for you – right now!

Oct 17

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | No Comments

The internet has been around since the early 90’s and over the years has evolved into a product that over 1.07 billion people use on a daily basis. It allows us to research topics with a click of a button and connects us to people from all around the world, not only that but the internet has allowed people who are searching for that perfect someone a different way to go about finding love.

I realize that there is a stigma with some people about using the internet in order to find “love” but don’t knock it until you try it. I am a person who is all for finding friends and people you could possibly fall in love with over the internet because if it wasn’t for the internet I wouldn’t have ever met Alan. If you came to me and asked me if I thought it was a good idea to meet someone from a dating site like True.com, I would tell you to go for it and would be fully supportive; after all, you deserve to find that special someone and who knows it could work out for the best!

I didn’t meet Alan from a website like True, but I do know that it’s a great way to find the love of your life and have heard many stories from personal friends of mine who have met their loved ones via a website like such. And if you’re worried about getting stuck with a weirdo you should know that True takes the safety of their clients seriously and screens each person who opens an account with them to check for criminals and others. Not only that, but they offer a great variety of informational material on relationships and have a section fully dedicated to advice about romance and even a coaching center to help you through those nervous times about dating.

If you haven’t met the love of your life, like I have or your friends have, I would definitely take advantage of True.com’s free sign up and search for free the millions of men and women who could possibly be your prince charming or princess. If everything else has seemed to lead to nowhere, why not give this a shot – you might get lucky and you deserve to meet the one who is right for you.

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Tired of being the 3rd wheel.

Sep 21

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | 2 Comments

I feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship, the person who follows everyone around because they don’t have someone to hang out with by themselves, or the person people invite along because they feel bad for them. In my case, however, I feel like I’m the last one to get any kind of attention at all and that every thing comes before I do; now granted, there are some things in life that ARE more important – job, school – and I’m not selfish enough to think that I SHOULD come before those things but it would be nice to get that phone call in the morning just to say hi and I love you, or that phone call in the middle of the day to see how things are going. I don’t get that…I don’t get anything at all, to be honest.

I try my best to not let the little things he does bother me, but they do and by the time they get to the point where I do say something I’m freaking PISSED off with the world. You may ask, why do you wait so long? Because, it doesn’t matter if I wait or if I say something right away his reaction is going to be the same – Ashley: I have a problem and it’s with you/us, Him: oh….*gets mad, tunes out* click, is basically how it seems to go in a nutshell. He’s quick to get pissed off with me about anything concerning us, he says it’s because I always say how he doesn’t do this, that or whatever when I’m not exactly perfect either. I never said I was perfect, and I don’t try to claim I am or act that way but if you have a problem with me or something I’m doing I won’t know unless you tell me which he doesn’t. I take the time to say something because it means enough to me to “fix” the problem, nothing I ever say seems to be important enough to him to actually do anything about it.

And I try not to say anything and hope things work themselves out because I don’t want to feel like I’m complaining all the time and this that and whatever, but I end up feeling that way anyways so I guess it shouldn’t matter if I wait or say something right away. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the person who’s there at his convenience, that when he WANTS to talk to me he’ll call. I make time out of my school schedule to call him, text him and see how he’s doing. On the weekends it’s the same thing but for him, it’s like he’s too busy with his own life – school during the weekend at night, hanging out with his mom on random days, sitting around on the weekend playing XBox – to have ANY time for me, to call me, to see how I am, to think about me etc. etc. If I had the will power to turn off my phone and keep it off and not bother calling him at all – ever – then I would but I don’t.

Nothing I ever do or say seems to be taken seriously…and right now, I have nothing left in me. I care but at the same time I don’t. Whatever.

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He’d tell you, “she’s a emotional mess.”

Jul 16

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | 2 Comments

If you ever met my boyfriend, Alan, on the streets and asked him to describe my personality I wouldn’t be surprised if he told you that I’m an emotional mess. Sure, it may sound pretty harsh but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised – he tells me all the time I’m too emotional like being emotional is a crime; even when I’m the happiest, in his mind, I’m probably too emotional.

So, I’ve had a hard time since he left two weeks ago, I’m not going to lie and in fact, I think I said it somewhere in a previous post but despite what he may think, it has nothing to do with him. I’m more stressed out and emotional over school than I am over anything else at this point in time, and while I do miss him and it completely sucks and pisses me off that I have to go through this distance crap again, I don’t cry about it 24/7 and for some strange, odd reason I have a feeling he thinks I do. However, while it does bother me that I won’t be going to MSU and in turn will not be living closer to him for at least another year and half, to tell me to “get over it and move on” is completely insensitive. If you want to think/feel that way, that’s fine you have every right too but I have every right to feel completely shitty if I want too and when I was talking about how I felt, I felt shitty but will I feel shitty tomorrow about it? No, because it’s NOT my biggest concern despite what you may think!

I’m not sitting here dwelling over it or crying about it – I did tonight, but that’s ONE night in TWO weeks and he has to show his ass. I never will understand why he acts like his feelings and opinions are superior to mine; when we’re together, it’s not that way but when we’re apart it’s unbearable because he makes me feel worse rather than better. In his mind and his train of thought, I just need to get over everything that’s thrown my way, don’t cry about it at all, don’t be upset, don’t let it bother me – just get over it and not be bothered. I’m not like that, and he doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that when you sit there with an attitude and tell me to get over it that it’s only going to make it worse, and it’s being a complete jerk.

I can agree to disagree. He always has the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude whether he wants to admit to it or not; if what you feel or what you’re talking about irritates him, he doesn’t want to talk anymore and goes into this complete immature mode where he mocks you and does this “OMG! I’m so sorry, you’re right and I’m wrong, I’m sorry!” and keeps repeating it in this annoying tone of voice, instead of just listening to you and trying to understand. One person can feel the complete opposite about something yet still show sensitivity to how you feel and vice versa. That’s ALL I wanted tonight when I was talking about how I felt in regards to not being able to be with him and have to deal with the distance crap even longer. He doesn’t have to feel an ounce of sadness, but don’t be a jerk to me because you think I need to get over it – instead, sit there and listen and understand that it upsets me and if I want to cry, let me cry and comfort me!

I realize that over time crying about X subject will get repetitive and eventually, one will get tired of listening to it but it’s only been two weeks and in that two weeks I’ve hardly said a damn thing about our relationship, why? BECAUSE IT’S NOT AN ISSUE WITH ME! What I’ve been feeling the past two weeks has everything to do with school…so stop jumping down my throat when for the first time in two weeks, I bring up how I really do feel about the distance and just let me feel the way I want too without making me feel worse because you think I need to get over it.

All I’ve ever asked is that my feelings as well as my opinions/beliefs be respected and treated the same way you’d want your own thoughts and feelings to be treated, and a lot of the time I don’t feel like I get that. No one’s feelings or opinions are superior to the others and when one feels differently than you do, there is no need to be a jerk or bitch to them just because they have a different train of thought. You wouldn’t say something/talk about something or do something if you knew it’d make someone upset, you’d try your best to either avoid the subject or if it is brought up make sure the person isn’t around out of respect for their feelings OR if the person openly tells you something that’s bothering them or upsetting them, and you don’t fully grasp why the hell they are even bothered by it, just be sensitive and try to comfort them the best you can – don’t tell them to get over it…it doesn’t work that way and that’s just being rude.

I may be an emotional mess and I may get upset and stressed out over many things that you can’t even understand why I’d be bothered by in the first place, but at this point in time I don’t think YOU understand just how stressful my situation is, and how big of a change it is for me. You need to realize and understand it really quick, because YOU are the one I want to be there to comfort me and support me.

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Having a hard time.

Jul 10

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | 1 Comment

Since Alan left to go back home last Saturday, I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the emptiness that was left behind. Even though he wasn’t here for a -long- time, it was long enough to get use to having him there when I wake up in the morning, to cuddle and hug with, to go out and do things with etc. and now that he’s back home the things I do on a normal basis feel weird. I don’t cry 24/7 and really I don’t think I’ve cried much compared to times in the past, but I do find myself feeling sad when I wake up in the morning and if I do cry it’s only for about a minute.

I don’t go throughout my day feeling sad or depressed, but some what bummed in the back of my mind. All I want and all my heart wants is to be with him and around him, to be in a ‘normal’ setting in our relationship so that we can do things together and see each other and then go home at the end of the day. I know that things will be great in the end, and that things will work out – that’s not what I’m worried about, in fact I’m not worried about anything aside from my school situation which I’ll talk about in a later post. But…I miss him, I knew I would and the more I feel towards him and realize how I do feel it’s just going to make it harder to be away. He means the world to me, and as long as he knows this and believes it to be the truth then I’ll be okay when he’s not around.

Stronger than ever.

Jul 5

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | 3 Comments

I honestly cannot describe how extremely happy I am, despite Alan having left to fly back home this morning at 6am. The last week and a half that I spent with him was absolutely amazing and filled with happiness and laugther – it makes all the rough patches we went through worth it all. We celebrated our one year anniversary (June 29th) with a nice dinner at a japanese steakhouse and seeing the movie Wanted. We spent a night with my cousin, Brendan and her boyfriend, Dillon having some drinks and the rest of the time was spent watching movies or playing Xbox – just being together.

Nothing was ever brought up about the issues we’ve had since being apart (which I always attributed to the distance we have been us) and yet in the end, we both felt at ease with everything and felt that whatever needed to be worked out, had been worked out without ever saying a word. We just needed to be together.

And while, it makes me cry because he isn’t here and he’s not there for me to wake up to in the morning, I am extremely happy because I have someone that I can trust with my heart. He takes care of me and I take care of him and he’s the one person I know will always be there for me when no one else is. We are in this together for the long term and I can’t wait until we can be in a more normal and regular setting. And while, at this point in time my situation regarding school and his situation regarding work is uncertain, one thing that we both know will always be certain is us and I wouldn’t trade that for ANYTHING in the world.

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It’s all I need.

Jul 5

Posted by Ashley in Relationship | 2 Comments

Kisses

Updates later.

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