Archive for category Life Lessons

Living on your own is something different.

Aug 10

Posted by Ashley in Life Lessons | 1 Comment

After reading one of Caity’s recent blogs about how she is getting use to living on her own for the first time, I had to sit back and reflect on how I felt when I moved out for the first time last August. It was a year ago on the 16th or so of August 2008 that I packed up my brand new car and headed out to the midwest, back home, to Kansas for school. It was the first time I was going to be on my own, free of all rules, all restrictions, but also a weight of responsibility on my shoulders. I moved into my one bedroom apartment a few days after arriving and boy, let me tell you that place was hell. I had to get use to strange noises, weird people all the while keeping focus on my studies. I had to learn how to cook for the first, pay ALL the bills for the first time and be ALONE for the first time. I had a really rough time the first couple of months and had to go back to counseling a few times just so I could talk it out…but now, a year later I can definitely say it is the best thing I ever did for myself because I know that no matter where I end up in this crazy world that my family will always be there to support me. I’ve dealt with things I never thought I’d have to deal with; like crazy neighbors that play their music too loud resulting in me calling the cops, an apartment that got busted for having a meth lab in it only a few doors down, a crazy black guy that I swear was stalking me and made me fear for my life and wake up with dreams of being…well I won’t say the word because I hate it. But I got through it, by myself with the support of my family hundreds of miles away.

Now, I live ina  nicer neighborhood in a brand new two bedroom apartment with my brother. And while, I absolutely love being alone I am glad I have someone to share the responsibility with again. Being on your own isn’t always easy and like Caity, it took me awhile to get there too; I was 22 when I finally moved out. I didn’t go off to college after graduating high school instead I opted for the community college 20 minutes away so I didn’t have to move. But it was worth it. And now, I can make decisions and know they are mine and know I am making the right ones for myself. If I want a dog and can afford the dog supplies that come with it, I’ll get a dog. If I want a brand new TV and can afford, there is no asking mom. If I want to eat junk food all day, that’s my choice. The one thing I look forward too now is living with Alan and being a normal couple in love that is together.

Life is too short.

Sep 22

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My dad called me earlier and after getting off the phone with him, I got to thinking about the death of his friend. As you may know from this post, his friend Red passed away suddenly last weekend of a heart attack, he was 43 which is the same age as my dad. My dad takes vitamins and other medications to keep his blood pressure and cholesterol down because his dad died suddenly in 2002 of a massive heart attack, and hopefully if he does what the doctors say it’ll lessen the chances of him having one anytime soon.

I guess what it comes down to for me is that I never really took into consideration how life might be if one of my parents were to die…now, at a time when my brother and I need them most. It crossed my mind multiple times when he was in Iraq for a year and it didn’t help matters that my mom let me and my brother know that he had to get life insurance quotes done as well as update the will (having one is required by the military) and had opened up some kind of annuity account that we would get if he died.

Luckily, he came back home safe and unharmed – well to a certain extent but it doesn’t change the fact that some day my parents will pass, as will yours and they may pass when it’s least expected. I guess what I realize, and I probably realized this along time ago just never really took it to heart, is that the time we have now is precious and we shouldn’t spend it worrying over the small stuff. You never know when the last day will be, it could be tomorrow or a year from now.

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I’m qualified.

Jun 3

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I’m still alive, but barely; I’m barely keeping my head above water but I’m trying with all the strength I have…I went to church for the first time in ages tonight with my mom and it felt good – I realize what I’ve been missing all along. I never have been a Bible thumping Christian person, who follows everything by the book and turns over everything to the Lord, but I do miss the person I was before when I attended Church on a regular basis and was around said people – I felt more at ease and more calm with myself and life in general, it gave me another direction to turn too instead of getting angry…I always had people who had my back even when things were going crazy around me, and they were the ones who kept me above water and allowed me to keep breathing instead of drowning.

I’ll never be a Bible thumping Christian, but I do know what I believe in and what I believe in is Spiritual Guidance whether it is via God, Jesus Christ, or some other higher power – everyone needs something they can turn too and rely on when things get rough, and praise when things are going well. This is what I’ve needed all along and I was naive to think that I could handle it all by myself, instead handling all by myself only got me deeper into the things I couldn’t change. Perhaps, now I will be able to fix the things I’ve wanted to fix all along because I’ll have the guidance to do so…

The crazy thing about tonight though is this: our church, which really isn’t a church because we don’t hold church in a church building but rather the club house in the pastors neighborhood, has frequent out of town guests who come and visit. There’s a group from Florida and tonight there was a group from Minnesota; I’ve never met this group of people before, not one single person from Minnesota knows me or my situations, anything I’ve been through or accomplished and Karen (the pastors wife) asked the wife of the group, Kelly, to press in and pray for me and see if she got a word from the Lord. What she came up with was a long scripture from the Bible that I didn’t understand a bit, but at the end she said “You are qualified.” Any time that I ever thought I wasn’t good enough or wasn’t doing the right thing (IE: working, school, how I live my life in general, the opinions I have, my feelings in general about things) or just felt I wasn’t worth it – I had always been qualified and she let me know this…the Lord let me know this. I felt like so much weight had been lifted off my shoulders, because it all made sense; I AM QUALIFIED, I AM WORTH IT, I AM DOING THE RIGHT THINGS, I just need to BELIEVE IT and now I DO!

We all have our up’s and down’s and those moments in life where it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to ever get better, but you have to keep having faith and hope and keep on trying because if you give up…you will never know what could have been. I will still have my moments were I’ll doubt myself or wonder if I’m doing the right thing and making the right decision but now I can remind myself that I am qualified, that I am worth it and that I will be okay and this came from the Lord to someone who had never met me, and never spoken a word to me prior to telling me this. I am not proud of everything in my life, I am not proud of the hurtful things I have spoken in the last day or so, and for those things I am sorry and for some of those things I do not regret…I am only human and I have my down falls but I have more things about me that are worth while than things that are not. I am an amazing individual with a strong mind and a strong heart and anyone who is in my life, is my friend and has a relationship with me is a lucky person – not because I am ignorant and think I’m awesome, but because I’m qualified.

Introspection.

Mar 11

Posted by Ashley in Life Lessons | 1 Comment

Recently, I was reading one of my daily reads and came across an article that had been posted in an entry entitled The benefits of keeping a private journal. In this article it talks about introspection which is

the observation or examination of one’s own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

Not only was the article a good read, but I realized that I need to participate in introspection more often and that by doing so I will only benefit myself and possibly figure out where my emotions come from.

The idea of introspection comes to me at a great time because within the last two months, my life has been an emotional whirlwind steaming from issues of the past and present, that has caused a major strain to be put on Alan and I’s relationship. After thinking about the definition of introspection, I realized that if I were to write more often I would allow myself to think about my emotions and be given the chance to react to them differently, instead of dumping the stress, hurt and pain onto Alan’s shoulders. I also realized that when I was younger, I use to write on a daily basis whether it was in a paper journal or through stories/poem and I felt better about the craziness of life after I wrote it down because it gave me a chance to spill my guts, my frustrations, my anger, my happiness without effecting the emotions of another person.

If there is one thing that I could change about myself it would be how I react to situations and how I react to things that invoke hard emotion. I am an emotional person, more so now than I ever was before but instead of writing about these things, I have chosen to dump them on Alan, hoping that he would somehow be able to wave a magic wand and make it better. I realize that this doesn’t work and it only puts a tension between us because he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do and where exactly my feelings come from. He’s not at fault for this because he isn’t me but instead of taking the time to understand my own emotions,  I get more upset and upset with him for not understanding which then creates the whirlwind that we’ve been in the last two months.

Because of my lack of introspection and the lack of understanding of my own emotions, I have caused my boyfriend, my best friend, my lover and the one person I hold closest to my heart to believe that our relationship can’t work and will fail. Neither of us want to be without the other, but by the same token, neither of us can continue living and continue our relationship in the rut we are in. However, when that moment of truth comes and I say that I have to walk away…I always turn right back around and hate myself for the ‘decision’ I made because I love Alan too much to ever walk away from him and I hate myself for making him believe our relationship will fail. I can only blame myself for the problems we’ve had the last two months because they were all created by me and I admit that and take full responsibility for it, but at the same time I just want it to get better and I realize that it will only get better if I deal with the issues I have within myself.

Alan has never been cause of my emotions, he has never been an issue I’ve had to deal with but he has been my dumping site and to him, I apologize greatly for that. This has only happened due to the fact that he’s the only person I have in my life that I feel fully comfortable with sharing my most personal feelings and problems with, and because of that if I need someone to talk too he’s the first person I call. However, if I take the time to write out my feelings before hand than I will allow myself to think about what has been written and why I feel a certain way, instead of jumping straight into a conversation saying things that haven’t been fully thought about. I have said many things to Alan that were hurtful, from you’re an asshole to you’re the biggest stress in my life, and I am mad at myself that I even allowed those things to come out of my mouth to the person I love, and I realize that it wasn’t ever anything he’s done or said but rather an attempt to try and make myself feel better because I’ve been miserable. In the end, I have been selfish and wanted someone else to be miserable with me and I can’t believe I’ve acted so immaturely.

Alan has been patient with me, he’s never threatened to walk way from me and he’s never turned his back on me. It has only been when I said I was going to walk away and did for a short period of time, that he allowed me too because I have made him unhappy because of the way I’ve been acting, reacting and treating him. Our relationship is the last thing in the world that I want to lose and it’s the last thing in my life that has problems – we have no problems in our relationship at all, it honestly is ‘perfect’ but I have created false problems because of unhappiness within, that has not a damn thing to do with him and he doesn’t deserve that. I realize that I need to change my thought process and I need to take control of my emotions because they have control over me right now – I cannot risk losing the one person that has showed me true love and has been patient with me from the beginning, for real. I just hope that if he reads this (I’m sure he will sometime) that he understands that I am trying and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with my emotions, and that he does realize that it NEVER had anything to do with him and that I apologize from the bottom of my heart for all the tension I have created…I never wanted to walk away, and I never want to see him walk away – that is why I am still here and that is why I am still fighting.

I’m human which means I’m the epitome of imperfection…this is one of them.

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Reba McEntire, Kelly Clarkson: Because of You.

Sep 19

Posted by Ashley in Entertainment, Life Lessons, Relationship | No Comments

There are a plethora of songs out there in today’s music business that all sing about the same subjects: love, break ups, sex, drugs, money, life etc. all in their own unique fashion do they sing about said subjects. But how often is it that you find a song with lyrics that you can, honestly, say you relate too whole heartedly? I have found one of those songs, Because of You by Kelly Clarkson (the newest version is a duet with Reba McEntire). I heard the duet version (I’ve known the original song for awhile) of this song a few weeks back in the car with my mom; she listens to country music on a regular basis where as I tend to listen to popular music (the music you hear on MTV) over country. Then I saw the music video for the song on Yahoo! just a few minutes ago and after sitting here, listening to the lyrics and then looking them up I have to say that I can relate to the song more so than a lot of the music I listen too.

If you watch the original music video, you will understand the meaning behind the lyrics; the song is talking about Clarkson’s personal childhood and how because of the relationship her parents had she is afraid for herself. I have to say I can relate to this very much. My dad and mom have been divorced for seven years now, prior to their divorce they argued but I never recall my dad ever being physical with my mom…it wasn’t until my dad married my step-mom that I saw the rage come out in him and it was a night of sleeping on the couch at their house that I first witnessed my dad and step-mom getting into a physical fight. I have come to realize that over the years as I’ve matured and ventured into my own relationships with men that I have my own personal issues with trust (this steaming from my dad cheating on my mom) because of how my dad has treated not only my mom but my step-mother. I also have put up my own boundaries and walls when it comes to relationships because of how my mom has reacted to such situations; one learns by example and experience.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of the experiences I have been through with my own family and my parents, I have to say that I relate completely to the above lyrics. After listening to the song on repeat a few times in the last hour, I realize how much I have tried to protect myself against the hurt/pain that my dad put my mom through and not allowing it to happen to me. Only in time have I realized that no matter what guy I am with that they aren’t my father and just because he acted and is a certain way towards my mom and step-mom does not mean my boyfriend will be same. But by the same token, I can only protect myself against what I have experienced and like I said, you learn by example and through experience; if you go through a negative experience, you’re going to try your damndest to make sure it doesn’t happen again or to you personally and I have done just that.

While, I have become more open about certain issues and feelings in the past few months of being with Alan, it has taken a lot for me to let him in on some of those things. Even though, I don’t believe he’d ever treat me in a wrongful manner I can only be cautious but I can only be cautious for so long and I don’t plan to be cautious forever. I have talked to him about the many things that I am scared of when it comes to my relationship with him but relationships in general, most of which stems from my parents relationship and he understands which only makes it easier to deal with. I have yet to be in a really bad abusive relationship whether it be emotional or physical and I hope I never have to be, whether it be with my boyfriend or a friend or anyone…but like most I have had my share of bad seeds and when I look back I realize that I should have left long before some of the issues that did arise came up but I stayed and faked being happy, it wasn’t until my last relationship (the guy I dated before Alan) did I realize that the hurt, pain and unhappiness another person causes you is not worth sticking around for because if that person truly loved you, cared about you and wanted to be with you they would have absolutely no reason to treat you like dirt. I am glad, even if it may have taken six months of a not so great relationship, to realize what I did because it only has allowed me to see that I am worth more than the trash someone feeds me and the bullshit that someone can put me through!

Listen to the song:

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Watch the Clarkson feat McEntire video here.
Read the full lyrics here.

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