I’ve been sick quite a bit the last few weeks; once with flu like symptoms and now my allergies are driving me up the wall. I’ve had a cough that I can’t seem to get rid of and only gets really bad when I lie down to sleep or am just waking up in the morning. I’ve adjusted fairly well to my sleep schedule since classes started and get up around the same time every morning Monday through Friday. However, today like the rest of the week, I feel like I am waking up from having taken a major sleeping pill the night before. It makes it hard to get out of bed and go to class when I feel completely exhausted and it’s not even my body feeling tired but my eyes…like I just can’t keep them open. I’m going to the store this weekend to get some allergy meds so hopefully it’s just a matter of taking some pills and getting over the allergies and then I’ll be back to normal. I hate being sick.

Classes have been in session for a week now and I’ve already had to miss one meeting of 4 classes because of the possibility of having swine flu. It all started Wednesday evening after an uneventful day of work and school, grocery shopping and making dinner. I felt fine the entire day but a few hours after making chicken enchiladas I started to feel the effects of a horrible stomach ache. I thought nothing of it and figured what I ate had upset my stomach and went to bed early that night. I was woken up around 4:30am the following morning with servere stomach pains, I went to the bath thinking I just had to pee but didn’t leave until I had thrown up. God I felt awful. I called into work that morning to let them know I wouldn’t be in that evening and emailed my professors to let them know I’d be missing class. I had no idea if I had a stomach virus or the swine flu as there have been over 300+ reports of students having mild symptoms related to the flu and if you have symptoms it is assumed you have it, although it cannot be confirmed. You are told to stay home and isolate yourself until symptoms subside.

I stayed in bed the majority of Thursday. My body ached, I had a fever that only ranged between 99.2 and 100 degrees when I took it, I wasn’t able to keep any liquids or food down the entire day and it didn’t help that I had it coming out both ends…I had all the symptoms of swine flu minus the coughing, runny/stuffy nose and sore throat (which I’ve only managed to feel today). I didn’t go to class today or work because of having to isolate myself. I’ve felt a bit better and have no fever but my body still aches and my stomach still isn’t up to par; I’ve been able to eat and drink without throwing up but can only eat small amounts before I start to feel queasy.

I’m not really sure if the flu can only last a day and a half or if I even had the swine flu, but either way I hope no one that I was around this week gets what I had because it sucked…I hate getting and being sick. I have to make a doctors appointment tomorrow to get a doctors note allowing me to go back to work next week otherwise I’m shit out of luck and can’t go back until I can get a confirmation of good health from the doctor. I seriously hope I don’t get sick anymore during the semester.

It’s been a pretty rough week for me despite being on “vacation.” I had so many things planned to do on this time off from work – Alan coming to visit, me going to visit him, me going home for a visit – but in the end everything fell through and I got stuck at home. I could have easily gone into work when I was bored but I needed my time away from that place, I needed to clear my head of the drama that took place the week before which I never wrote about. The first few days I relaxed and slept a good bit of the days away – I needed sleep. I know I sleep a lot and Alan thinks I sleep all the time but I’m always exhausted. I don’t know why. Then towards the middle of the week, I got really depressed and a sadness washed over me. I didn’t know where it had come from; maybe it was because I was bored and alone at the apartment, maybe it was because I couldn’t see Alan like I had hoped I would, maybe it was because this was the week my period was to start thus not taking birth control pills with ingredients in them messes with my head. Whatever the case maybe, I had an emotional break down and the weight of the world felt like it was suffocating me.

Between moving at the beginning of the month and trying to get the apartment sorted out and the drama at work plus trying to get ready for classes to start AND feeling like Alan doesn’t give me attention, became too much to handle. I took it out on Alan. I told him I didn’t want to do this (our relationship) anymore, he didn’t deserve me because of all the time and effort I put into the relationship. Of course, I always feel bad afterwards but in the moment that IS how I feel…and at the end of the day, all I want is someone who cares and loves me for me and enjoys spending their time with me. Alot of my issue with the whole thing is the distance; it never goes away and it will be a big factor for another year until I’m done with school in KS and can move to MI. But man, it takes so much of my strength and energy to keep going sometimes and when I get frustrated, when I get upset, when I get emotional torn to pieces whether I’m doing it to myself or someone else is doing it to me, I just throw in the towel.

Alan talked to me last night about some things and he says I’m emotionally high strung. I don’t disagree with him but it still hurts to hear that because who wants to admit to their faults? No one. He says that because I spend so much time at work where there is constant drama and then spend the rest of my time at the apartment alone, that I go crazy and that getting out of the house and just going to the bookstore to do my class work or sitting there by myself  would help me relax because even though I’m still alone I’m in an environment with other people around. I think I am going to take his suggestion and run with it especially since I am getting a laptop for school and can take it with me to the stores and library to study and just chill out. There are so many other things that I want to do that I know would help me relax but I don’t have the resources right now to do them; for instance, I want to start bike riding not only for exercise but for relaxation but need to purchase a bike, I also want to get out and start up my photography again but I don’t own a digital camera and the one I want – digital SLR – is too expensive for my budget right now.

When I am with people – like when my mom was here for a week for my brother’s 21st birthday in July – I am happy. I am not the kind of person who wants to sit at home and be by herself, I would rather be out doing stuff and just go, go, going. Sure, I enjoy my independent time away from the world and away from people but I want stimulation from others more than I want alone time, if that makes any sense. When my mom was here, we were out of the apartment pretty much everyday because I finally had someone that would go places with me. I’m not very big on going out and doing things alone unless it is shopping or getting stuff for the apartment. When Alan comes to visit, we don’t have to do anything but sit around and I am happy because I’m not alone, I am around someone. It makes me feel better that my brother lives with me now but we don’t really spend time together.

Either way, I’m going to try to find things that relax me and I can focus my attention and energy on so I can stop feeling so depressed. Staying couped up in the apartment does not help and I need to make an effort on getting out and about; it’s funny because I love being out of the house but…I never go anywhere unless I have too most of the time. We’ll see how it goes.

I did manage to get some things done while I was on vacation which included finding a furniture set – sofa, love seat, chair & ottoman – for the living room that I absolutely love at Nebraska Furniture Mart in Kansas City; it has a soft, microfiber type feeling fabric for the cushions and the bottom is like a fake leather. I love the style, it is modern and it is me and of all the stuff they have in that huge store this is what I fell in love with. I didn’t get to purchase it until today and it’ll be delivered next Wednesday. I was also able to order all of my textbook rentals online today so those should also be here within the week. The only thing left on my list is the Macbook Pro I’ve been wanting. I also have figured out a new domain name, I haven’t fully made up my mind so I haven’t purchased it yet but I’m leaning heavily towards it. Keep checkin’ back!

A few days ago while browsing Facebook, I happened upon a photo album from when my younger cousin went with some other family members to Key West. The trip looked absolutely fun and I wish I could afford to do something nice like that; chill out on the boat for a week in the middle of the ocean in the sun. But then, I saw a picture of my Aunt Karen and all I could think about was how she needed to put some of the best wrinkle cream available on her face. I felt bad for thinking that but it is true. I’ve seen pictures of her when she was younger and she was a gorgeous woman – kind of hippy like, very lean with long brown hair. And while those features are still present today you can definitely see the signs of aging that have taken a toll on her face from the sun. She’s always out on the boat or at the beach during the summer; I honestly don’t think there is a day that goes by that she isn’t out there. No one else in my family has wrinkles like she does and while it is just another thing that happens as you age, you can at least help yourself by taking care of your skin!

I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I must say I absolutely love it. It reminds me somewhat of a manufactured home with it’s open floor plan, granite counter tops, laundry room, a master bedroom with a walk in shower and closet and a second bedroom with a full bathroom with a garden tub just outside the door. It definitely is a step up from what I was living in, in regards to both quality and neighborhood. At first, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be happy with living on the opposite side of town away from everything but with the new Wal-Mart not even 5 minutes up the road and both groceries stores down the street, I feel like I didn’t move far at all. We’ll see how things go once classes start since I’ll be driving to campus this year instead of taking the bus because I live to far and it doesn’t come out this way. I wish I had a camera so I could take pictures, I’ll have to find their facebook page again and use those!

Friday night was the start of what should have been my week and two day vacation. I had planned on Alan coming here to visit but everything fell through when his work wouldn’t allow him the time off. Then, I had hoped that I would be able to go up there but that fell through because his step-mom and dad won’t allow anyone to stay at the house and his mom only lives in a one bedroom apartment. Hotels are too expensive. THEN, I was going to go home to SC for the week but ended up not having the gas money to do so…so I’m stuck in KS for the week. Technically, I could go into work but after some drama that happened at the beginning of last week I said screw it, I need time away from that place and time for myself. I’m going to work on getting the rest of the apartment unpacked, level up my Death Knight Fingerpaints (WoW), and visit that I was on an orlando vacations instead of here. I’m also going to, TRY *crosses fingers*, work on the new theme some more and brainstorm new domain names.

I don’t sit around asking for heart pendant jewelry or expensive material items. I don’t ask for him to buy me this or buy me that. In fact, I rarely ask for anything at all except for the basic necessities of a relationship: time, commitment, respect and communication. I never expect him to go out on a limb for me and go out of his way to do something nice. Am I going to complain when it he does something spontaneous? Of course not.

But by the same token, even though I may not expect it, it is nice when it happens and sometimes, even though I may not expect it, when it doesn’t it bums me out. Maybe it’s because I take the time to do things for him because it is in my nature to do so. If I see something I know he’d like, I don’t think twice about getting it. If a birthday or a special occassion is coming up, I plan ahead to figure out what special things I can come up with. I spend a lot of my time, when I’m not doing other things, thinking of ways I can show him I love him and care about him aside from saying it. That’s how I’ve always been and perhaps he isn’t the same way, but a part of me wishes he was. It’s not a problem for him to go out and spend $50+ on a video game for himself or to purchase various items that he probably could do without, but god forbid he think about something special for me.

I don’t know. Maybe I complain for nothing. Maybe I make myself upset and sad for no reason. But it does hurt. Even though I don’t expect it and I don’t expect anything materialistic, something aside from saying I love you would be nice…even if it was a card.  Something to make me feel like I’m just as important.