It’s been a pretty rough week for me despite being on “vacation.” I had so many things planned to do on this time off from work – Alan coming to visit, me going to visit him, me going home for a visit – but in the end everything fell through and I got stuck at home. I could have easily gone into work when I was bored but I needed my time away from that place, I needed to clear my head of the drama that took place the week before which I never wrote about. The first few days I relaxed and slept a good bit of the days away – I needed sleep. I know I sleep a lot and Alan thinks I sleep all the time but I’m always exhausted. I don’t know why. Then towards the middle of the week, I got really depressed and a sadness washed over me. I didn’t know where it had come from; maybe it was because I was bored and alone at the apartment, maybe it was because I couldn’t see Alan like I had hoped I would, maybe it was because this was the week my period was to start thus not taking birth control pills with ingredients in them messes with my head. Whatever the case maybe, I had an emotional break down and the weight of the world felt like it was suffocating me.

Between moving at the beginning of the month and trying to get the apartment sorted out and the drama at work plus trying to get ready for classes to start AND feeling like Alan doesn’t give me attention, became too much to handle. I took it out on Alan. I told him I didn’t want to do this (our relationship) anymore, he didn’t deserve me because of all the time and effort I put into the relationship. Of course, I always feel bad afterwards but in the moment that IS how I feel…and at the end of the day, all I want is someone who cares and loves me for me and enjoys spending their time with me. Alot of my issue with the whole thing is the distance; it never goes away and it will be a big factor for another year until I’m done with school in KS and can move to MI. But man, it takes so much of my strength and energy to keep going sometimes and when I get frustrated, when I get upset, when I get emotional torn to pieces whether I’m doing it to myself or someone else is doing it to me, I just throw in the towel.

Alan talked to me last night about some things and he says I’m emotionally high strung. I don’t disagree with him but it still hurts to hear that because who wants to admit to their faults? No one. He says that because I spend so much time at work where there is constant drama and then spend the rest of my time at the apartment alone, that I go crazy and that getting out of the house and just going to the bookstore to do my class work or sitting there by myself  would help me relax because even though I’m still alone I’m in an environment with other people around. I think I am going to take his suggestion and run with it especially since I am getting a laptop for school and can take it with me to the stores and library to study and just chill out. There are so many other things that I want to do that I know would help me relax but I don’t have the resources right now to do them; for instance, I want to start bike riding not only for exercise but for relaxation but need to purchase a bike, I also want to get out and start up my photography again but I don’t own a digital camera and the one I want – digital SLR – is too expensive for my budget right now.

When I am with people – like when my mom was here for a week for my brother’s 21st birthday in July – I am happy. I am not the kind of person who wants to sit at home and be by herself, I would rather be out doing stuff and just go, go, going. Sure, I enjoy my independent time away from the world and away from people but I want stimulation from others more than I want alone time, if that makes any sense. When my mom was here, we were out of the apartment pretty much everyday because I finally had someone that would go places with me. I’m not very big on going out and doing things alone unless it is shopping or getting stuff for the apartment. When Alan comes to visit, we don’t have to do anything but sit around and I am happy because I’m not alone, I am around someone. It makes me feel better that my brother lives with me now but we don’t really spend time together.

Either way, I’m going to try to find things that relax me and I can focus my attention and energy on so I can stop feeling so depressed. Staying couped up in the apartment does not help and I need to make an effort on getting out and about; it’s funny because I love being out of the house but…I never go anywhere unless I have too most of the time. We’ll see how it goes.

I did manage to get some things done while I was on vacation which included finding a furniture set – sofa, love seat, chair & ottoman – for the living room that I absolutely love at Nebraska Furniture Mart in Kansas City; it has a soft, microfiber type feeling fabric for the cushions and the bottom is like a fake leather. I love the style, it is modern and it is me and of all the stuff they have in that huge store this is what I fell in love with. I didn’t get to purchase it until today and it’ll be delivered next Wednesday. I was also able to order all of my textbook rentals online today so those should also be here within the week. The only thing left on my list is the Macbook Pro I’ve been wanting. I also have figured out a new domain name, I haven’t fully made up my mind so I haven’t purchased it yet but I’m leaning heavily towards it. Keep checkin’ back!