I wish futures trading was a real concept in the sense that you could trade something to get your future NOW instead of having to wait. I want to know what the future holds, I want to know if what I’m doing now and putting myself through now is even worth it; do you ever wonder that? I do, ALL the time. I have nothing that makes me feel anything I’m doing is the “right” thing, I don’t have anyone that reminds me that what I’m doing is the right thing or the smart thing, and I don’t have it in myself to believe what I’m doing is the right thing or the smart thing. I don’t know why I put myself through the shit I do, I don’t know what I deal with the shit that it’s my life – why I can’t just walk away and forget about it all, why I can’t just take care of myself instead of everyone else.

I use to be so strong, I use to be so strong in what I believed in and one of those things was my faith and I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have faith, I don’t believe in anything, everything is just crap. I am hanging out by a thread and I always try to believe that God never gives us more than we can deal with but at this point, I’m over my head, WAY OVER MY HEAD and if that string breaks that’s it…the world is going to crash down – that string is already shredding, getting thinner by the moment. If I just had ONE thing, one SOLID thing in my life I’d be okay, I would be OKAY…just one solid thing, it’s all I want.