For the past year, I tried my damnedest to make my relationship with Alan work - everything was amazing up until I went to Michigan in October of 2007 to meet him for the first time and after that things just seemed to go down hill. The way he acted towards me changed, he wasn’t the same sweet guy I had initally started talking too over World of Warcraft. I knew that a long distance relationship would be hard, I had been through one before with a person that I hadn’t met via the internet but actually knew IRL prior to it becoming long distance; but I wanted to try because I liked Alan, I liked the way he made me feel.

I tried my best to be the girlfriend I wanted to be to him, I tried my best being the girlfriend I know I can be to someone. I tried my best to do the “girlfriend” things I wanted to do being so far away…but it was never enough, I never felt like it was enough. I never felt like I went out of my way to do things for him because everything I ever did was something I WANTED to do yet it still wasn’t enough. I never asked for anything - gifts, money, visits - nothing except support and comfort. All I ever wanted from him, from someone, was a shoulder to lean on when things got hard and someone I could go too when I needed comfort and support. I wanted someone to be there for me, someone to make me feel important but in the end, I just didn’t do it right…I wasn’t worthy of the importance.

I sent him an email last night explaining my feelings to him, telling him what I felt like and how I’ve felt for the past few weeks. I wanted to make things better, I wanted things to get better because I was tried of arguing, I was tried of crying, I was tried of feeling the way I felt and yet he couldn’t even take the 5 minutes out of his time to read the email like I asked him too…and all he could say was sorry - no if you were sorry, then you would have read the email, if you cared then you would have read the email. I was TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER and you couldn’t even read the email!! Instead, he got pissed off at me because I needed to get “off his back” and told me to shut the fuck up, and when I tried to tell him that he didn’t need to be rude and disrespectful he hung up the phone and I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this or what I ever did to deserve to be treated like this. All I wanted was for someone to love me, for someone to care about me and be there for me…all I wanted was to feel important and to be important to someone…I just wanted to feel like I had a place in someone’s life. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad girlfriend but it just wasn’t enough. I’ve cried so much this past month that I’m surprised my eyes still produce tears. I’ve tried to explain myself, my feelings, everything and he just won’t have it - he pushes me away, he closes me off, he ignores me and makes me feel 10x worse than I already do. I don’t understand what I did, I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!

I love him, I do and all I wanted was to make him happy and I thought I did, he told me I did just like he told me he cared about me and loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me and I believed it…but yet his actions, his words told me the complete opposite yet I kept believing that he felt the way he said he did. I never asked to be lead on, I never asked to be hurt, I never asked for anything except to have someone that loved me and cared about me. I just don’t get it…I just…don’t get it. I have nothing left in me and it hurts because I love him and he won’t even answer the phone. Why me?

It’s not okay…but I’ll stay out of his life, I’ll go. Me being gone won’t effect him anyways, he’ll go about his life like I never existed and he’ll be completely fine; that hurts, but it’s what he wants. He doesn’t want to deal with me, he doesn’t love me or care about me and that hurts..a lot. Because I gave myself to him, I gave my heart to him after so many years of not allowing ANYONE in and he broke it. Now I remember why I didn’t date anyone for three years prior to meeting him because I was tired of being hurt, I was tired of being broken down only for those guys to realize after the fact that they made a mistake. I don’t know what else to do…it won’t be easy because I love him but I don’t make him happy - he doesn’t want me, so what else do I have to give?

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