“Time flies by when you’re having fun;” I wish that were true for me right now but it’s not. I’m extremely happy that I’m back in Lawrence – the town I’ve considered my real home since we originally moved here in 1997 – and I’m glad that I’m going to KU but at the same time, I’m having a hard time being alone. While, I am happy to have my own apartment which means having my own space and being on my own, I’m not happy that I don’t have anything to DO or people to do things WITH.

Before I left South Carolina, I thought in my mind that everything would be great, I’d be able to start fresh, make new friends, be able to enjoy life that way I enjoyed it before but it hasn’t been that way at all. Making friend isn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be. I’ve never had a hard time making friends because of the way I grew up, I was forced to learn how too so that isn’t the problem; the problem is the fact that at this time in every one’s life (the college age) people for the most part already have their friends, they are comfortable with where they are at so it doesn’t matter if they make new friends or not because like I said they are comfortable, why change it? There isn’t really much time either to get to know someone in your class – you get to campus and go straight to class, during class you can’t sit there and talk about this that or the other because you’re paying attention (or suppose to be at least), and then when class is over you leave to hurry to the next one or catch the bus if you ride it to go home. There is ONE girl that I’ve met that I’ve become “friends” with and the only reason we’re talking is because we have two classes together so we have that in common. The thing is though is that she doesn’t stay in town (Lawrence) the majority of the time because her friends and her family live in another county so she’s always there; I’ve told her that we’d have to hang out sometime and we have once…well we went to the store together and the whole time all she did was talk about her best friend – people I don’t even know.

The part I hate about all this is that I’m taking it out on Alan. Some where, for some reason, my mind equates X problem = Y problem with the Y = Alan and I’s relationship. I hate that I do that, I don’t know why I do but it’s gotten to the point where I”ll get so upset and make myself sick and then threaten to do stuff like hurt myself (which I’ve never done by the way because I’m too chicken shit to do it). At the time when I’m upset, it seems like the best “option” but my mind isn’t so far gone that I can still rationalize and tell myself NO, you’re not that stupid. Part of me feels really hurt and feels alone in the sense that I have no one, no one who is there as a friend, no one who is there as someone who cares and loves me and I just want to feel like I MATTER TO SOMEONE and somewhere in there between the crying and being upset and hurt and lonely, I think if I say this then he’ll react this way which will show me he feels this way…yeah it doesn’t work that way and all I”m doing is hurting myself and him and our relationship.

Alan means the world to me. I love him with all my heart, I just want him to be there…and half the time I don’t feel like he is. I’m doing the best that I can, I really am and I’d never really do anything to hurt myself or someone else even if it may feel like at the time that it’ll solve everything; in the end, I have too much to lose if I were to ever do anything irrational and I recognize that. I don’t know, half of this post probably doesn’t even make sense and is a bunch of rambling but I needed to get it out some how.

And like the title says October is almost here, I hope that October will be better than September in terms of how I feel because in the end, I am glad to be back and I am glad to be going to KU I just wish I wasn’t someone who needed people to be around to feel completely happy and that I could be content just sitting at home playing Wii or watching TV or a movie…we’ll see. I’m not going to give up and go back to South Carolina even though I’ve said it a few times, I can do this…I can get through it and when it’s all said and done I’ll be happy and things will be okay – I just need to keep my head up and doing that the best I can.

Tags: Life

This entry was posted on Monday, September 29th, 2008 at 11:01 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.