I feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship, the person who follows everyone around because they don’t have someone to hang out with by themselves, or the person people invite along because they feel bad for them. In my case, however, I feel like I’m the last one to get any kind of attention at all and that every thing comes before I do; now granted, there are some things in life that ARE more important – job, school – and I’m not selfish enough to think that I SHOULD come before those things but it would be nice to get that phone call in the morning just to say hi and I love you, or that phone call in the middle of the day to see how things are going. I don’t get that…I don’t get anything at all, to be honest.

I try my best to not let the little things he does bother me, but they do and by the time they get to the point where I do say something I’m freaking PISSED off with the world. You may ask, why do you wait so long? Because, it doesn’t matter if I wait or if I say something right away his reaction is going to be the same – Ashley: I have a problem and it’s with you/us, Him: oh….*gets mad, tunes out* click, is basically how it seems to go in a nutshell. He’s quick to get pissed off with me about anything concerning us, he says it’s because I always say how he doesn’t do this, that or whatever when I’m not exactly perfect either. I never said I was perfect, and I don’t try to claim I am or act that way but if you have a problem with me or something I’m doing I won’t know unless you tell me which he doesn’t. I take the time to say something because it means enough to me to “fix” the problem, nothing I ever say seems to be important enough to him to actually do anything about it.

And I try not to say anything and hope things work themselves out because I don’t want to feel like I’m complaining all the time and this that and whatever, but I end up feeling that way anyways so I guess it shouldn’t matter if I wait or say something right away. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the person who’s there at his convenience, that when he WANTS to talk to me he’ll call. I make time out of my school schedule to call him, text him and see how he’s doing. On the weekends it’s the same thing but for him, it’s like he’s too busy with his own life – school during the weekend at night, hanging out with his mom on random days, sitting around on the weekend playing XBox – to have ANY time for me, to call me, to see how I am, to think about me etc. etc. If I had the will power to turn off my phone and keep it off and not bother calling him at all – ever – then I would but I don’t.

Nothing I ever do or say seems to be taken seriously…and right now, I have nothing left in me. I care but at the same time I don’t. Whatever.