The trophy prize.
Tonight, I sit here and wonder why the hell my parents had me – I mean aside from the obvious reasons of wanting a child. If you couldn’t afford to have a baby in the first place, then why the hell have one? If you weren’t going to make good decisions in order to provide for that child later on it life when they need it most, then what is the fucking point?
Okay, so perhaps that is really harsh for me to say, considering that I know my mom…and my dad love me very much. But sometimes, I just don’t understand, I have a hard time seeing through all the cloudiness that is life.
I feel like I have worked so hard to get through every obstacle that has been thrown my way; from my parents divorce, to my mom moving away and choosing to live with my dad and step-mom, to being kicked out and sent to live with my mom and not understanding what I had did wrong, to being completely put down by my dad, to not going to school and coming very close to not graduating and spending time in juvenile for a week, as well as being in the hospital for depression. I feel like I’ve come a very long way and that despite all the heart ache I feel like I’ve experienced, I’ve managed to get through it one way or another…until now.
I worked so hard to get into Michigan State over the past year and now when it finally comes down to getting accepted, I can’t afford it – my mom can’t afford it. My parents never step up any kind of savings for my brother and I for college, so we have no funds available to us aside from financial aid. She says they never had the money to be able to set up funds and perhaps that is true, but even so – it fucking sucks. I have two years left of school if you look at it from a junior to senior point of view and yet all I keep hearing from everyone is “it’s too expensive,” well it’s expensive no matter WHAT school I go too.
I was never handed anything in my life, I always had to work for it and I take pride in being able to do things on my own. But sometimes, I do wish that I had it a little easier, that I could afford things that other people have or just get handed to them. It doesn’t make me feel any better to be a good person when I have a cousin who’s a year younger than I and gets absolutely everything she wants and yet I can’t even afford to finish school.
Sure, things will probably work out in the end and I’ll end up going to University of S. Carolina or possibly University of Kansas because I can get instate tuition in both states (KS because my dad lives there) but we still CAN’T afford it even though it’ll be much cheaper than $35,000 at Michigan. But for once, I want something to work out the way I WANT it too and for once, I’d like to be able to get something that I REALLY want and have worked hard for – I thought MSU was going to be it, but it isn’t and it hurts.
What’s worse is that I feel like no one understands why I’m so frustrated, well I’ll tell you. I’m frustrated because I worked damn hard to get into a school that I was dead set on attending, despite the initial reasoning for applying there to being with. I got accepted after being turned down twice and now it comes down to finances. I’m frustrated because nothing ever works out the way I want it too, I always have to settle for second best, I can never have the best. I’m frustrated because I have no one that is willing to help me with anything that I do, especially if money is involved and I rarely ask for any kind of help because I like to do it on my own, but when I do ask I immediately get shut down.
I’m frustrated because while my education is important to me and I will finish one way or another, I do worry about my relationship with Alan if I don’t end up in Michigan ONLY because of the crap we’ve been through in the last five months. I’m even more frustrated because he’s the one person that I expect to be there and support me and yet he gets mad at me because “I need to calm the fuck down” – all I want is for him to just listen and support me, and understand my concerns and worries whether he thinks I need to calm down or not. Don’t hang up on me, don’t turn off your phone…it doesn’t make things better and in fact makes the situation that more difficult to deal with.
Since I found out the financial part of attending Michigan State, I’ve tried really hard to not think about it too much…only because Alan will be here in three days time and I want to focus on being happy and excited; yet I feel like I can’t even be that. I honestly don’t know what to do or feel anymore…when I get my hopes up about ANYTHING, they are crushed and I always have to settle for second best. When will I ever be worthy of the trophy prize?
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:33 am
There’s no way you can take out loans plus regular financial aid to get in? Have you talked to anyone at Michigan? I know I had to take out a FEW stafford loans but since we’re low income I managed to do alright but I know how long and hard you’ve worked to get to where you are. Don’t give up until you’ve exhausted EVERY possible avenue for options.
As for Alan, I understand. Sometimes you just want that shoulder to lean on and him to tell you it’s going to be OK and like you said, support you. That’s what your boyfriend is supposed to do. *hugs* I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it but if you haven’t already, explain to him how it makes you feel when he does that kind of stuff.
*tons of hugs again* Things will work out, they will. Just keep trying even if it feels like you have no fight in you left, there’s a little there somewhere you just have to seek it out.