I’m still alive, but barely; I’m barely keeping my head above water but I’m trying with all the strength I have…I went to church for the first time in ages tonight with my mom and it felt good – I realize what I’ve been missing all along. I never have been a Bible thumping Christian person, who follows everything by the book and turns over everything to the Lord, but I do miss the person I was before when I attended Church on a regular basis and was around said people – I felt more at ease and more calm with myself and life in general, it gave me another direction to turn too instead of getting angry…I always had people who had my back even when things were going crazy around me, and they were the ones who kept me above water and allowed me to keep breathing instead of drowning.

I’ll never be a Bible thumping Christian, but I do know what I believe in and what I believe in is Spiritual Guidance whether it is via God, Jesus Christ, or some other higher power – everyone needs something they can turn too and rely on when things get rough, and praise when things are going well. This is what I’ve needed all along and I was naive to think that I could handle it all by myself, instead handling all by myself only got me deeper into the things I couldn’t change. Perhaps, now I will be able to fix the things I’ve wanted to fix all along because I’ll have the guidance to do so…

The crazy thing about tonight though is this: our church, which really isn’t a church because we don’t hold church in a church building but rather the club house in the pastors neighborhood, has frequent out of town guests who come and visit. There’s a group from Florida and tonight there was a group from Minnesota; I’ve never met this group of people before, not one single person from Minnesota knows me or my situations, anything I’ve been through or accomplished and Karen (the pastors wife) asked the wife of the group, Kelly, to press in and pray for me and see if she got a word from the Lord. What she came up with was a long scripture from the Bible that I didn’t understand a bit, but at the end she said “You are qualified.” Any time that I ever thought I wasn’t good enough or wasn’t doing the right thing (IE: working, school, how I live my life in general, the opinions I have, my feelings in general about things) or just felt I wasn’t worth it – I had always been qualified and she let me know this…the Lord let me know this. I felt like so much weight had been lifted off my shoulders, because it all made sense; I AM QUALIFIED, I AM WORTH IT, I AM DOING THE RIGHT THINGS, I just need to BELIEVE IT and now I DO!

We all have our up’s and down’s and those moments in life where it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to ever get better, but you have to keep having faith and hope and keep on trying because if you give up…you will never know what could have been. I will still have my moments were I’ll doubt myself or wonder if I’m doing the right thing and making the right decision but now I can remind myself that I am qualified, that I am worth it and that I will be okay and this came from the Lord to someone who had never met me, and never spoken a word to me prior to telling me this. I am not proud of everything in my life, I am not proud of the hurtful things I have spoken in the last day or so, and for those things I am sorry and for some of those things I do not regret…I am only human and I have my down falls but I have more things about me that are worth while than things that are not. I am an amazing individual with a strong mind and a strong heart and anyone who is in my life, is my friend and has a relationship with me is a lucky person – not because I am ignorant and think I’m awesome, but because I’m qualified.