At this point, I don’t know what to do…well I do know what to do, it’s just a matter of getting the courage to actually do something about it. The feelings I have bottled up inside regarding my cousin and how my family makes me feel is eating me at me but I haven’t exactly figured out how to take care of it. After talking to my mom and her friend, Andrea (Mrs. Andrea to me) I realize that I just have to say what is on my mind but the thing is…I don’t know what it is that I want to say, and everything I feel like saying summed up is: you’re a fucking loser.

It doesn’t help either when my brother tells me she’s been calling me a bitch for petty shit like not adding her as a friend on myspace or that apparently a few weeks ago, when my brother and mom went out to my aunt’s house for dinner that she said in front of everyone that she was going to go off on me eventually because I was being a bitch and no one said a thing about it; seriously…I have done nothing, NOTHING except NOT talk to her. If that makes me a bitch then by all means, I guess I’m a bitch but like I said in a previous post I find it rather amusing just because of her reasons. However, that doesn’t take away from how I feel and what I need to say, but when I sit down and try to think about what I would say - I come up with nothing.

Am I suppose to just come out and tell my cousin that I think SHE is the one who is the bitch, that she treats everyone around her life crap and that she’s a horrible mother? Am I suppose to let her know that she’s had it way fucking easy when it comes to raising her first child, Zachary, because she hasn’t HAD to raise him because her parents have as well as our grand parents and that if she was to remove everyone from the picture that she wouldn’t fucking make it because she relies on everyone else around her to do everything for her? Am I suppose to tell her that I think she’s no good and isn’t going to go any where in life unless she gets a GED and a job to HELP support the family she can’t take care of which now includes a baby girl named Zoey who was born at 6:30pm on May 16th? Everything that I want to say…sounds so horrible and I know if I say what exactly IS on my mind, I’ll get remmed in the ass for in multiple directions.

And what sucks about it even more is that the only people that seem to understand how I feel and see the same things I do are my mom and my grand father, but only I can take care of this myself because it’s me and my feelings. If I felt like I wouldn’t get remmed in the ass for what I want to say or if I felt that my grand mother would actually listen and understand how I felt regarding the situation (because I have things to say to her as well) then maybe it’d be easier for me to sit down and just finally let it out, but I don’t feel this way at all. As much as I know in my heart that my family is proud of me because of my accomplishments and proud of me because of the things I do, I don’t believe it not for a second because I never hear it, I never see it, I never get that support I want so bad; it’s been brought up before too and nothing has changed, instead I sit back and try to deal with it while I see everyone (family) around me jump through hoops for Brendan, time and time again.

All I have right now that occupies my time is work, and all I really want is something that makes me happy and something that I can look forward too. I’ve been waiting and waiting for my MSU application to say that it’s been updated with my most recent transcripts and that I’ll receive a letter in the mail soon, just to have something that I can look forward too but nothing so far. Or even, to finally plan my one year anniversary with Alan next month so that I can finally say I DO GET TO SEE HIM NEXT MONTH and it’s a definite, but nothing so far. I want people to be happy for me and to actually show me that they are happy for me because of school or work or something; I’m so tired of hearing about Brendan all the time, I’m so ready for the whole baby stuff to be over with and now that she’s been born it’s only going to be worse…I just want something to look forward too, that I can focus on but I have nothing.

Today was just a crappy day in general…I’ve been fine for awhile now, aside from the feelings I have pretaining my family but those aren’t thought about unless something happens. I’m ready for a change, a big change and whatever that change maybe I hope it comes soon before I lose my mind.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 17th, 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.