I don’t even know.
I’ve sat here for awhile now trying to write this entry in Word and all I’ve done is deleted and deleted again. I can’t seem to get my thoughts organized in a way that they will make sense, I can’t seem to get them down on paper (well … internet paper!) so that it doesn’t seem like I’m whining but in the end it doesn’t matter how I say this or how I say that…I’m just complaining – so forgive me if things seem all over the place and out of order.
My mind is in an overwhelming state right now. I’m trying to process feelings regarding Alan and our relationship, as well as focus on school and try to get excited because I’ll hopefully be going to Michigan State in the fall – but I can’t get excited about it nor can I really focus like I want too. In the last week or so, I’ve been yelled at, I’ve been called a bitch, I’ve been told that I need to shut up and stop nagging and I’ve been hung up on numerous times – I’m not innocent because I’ve done the same to him. I just wish he understood and I wish he would take the time to understand my feelings and why I feel the way I do.
An argument can steam from something as small as me taking a joke the wrong way, but in the end the argument starts because I’m holding back so many feelings. I am so frustrated and so angry with everything that I can’t allow myself to be happy and I just want it to get better, I want to fix it and I want it to go away – I want to just be happy and I’m trying to do that but I can’t do it by myself.
Any time that I seem to bring up an issue I have an argument steams from it or results in him telling me to not worry about it, he’ll take care of it. I can be the nicest, sweetest person in the world talking about whatever issue I have and an argument will still arise…I don’t understand why this happens. If I’m bringing an issue to him, regarding our relationship or something specifically to do with him, it’s because I feel it warrants a talk or at least acknowledgement and correction – it isn’t to start an argument no matter how much he may feel that’s what I do.
In a years time, we’ve only seen each other twice and while I understand that problems occurs and issues arise creating unforeseeable circumstances (like him getting laid off in January), I would ASSUME and THINK that one would make every effort in order to correct the situation even if it’s temporarily. Let me explain – we’ve had a deal from the beginning that everything would be split down the middle between us (Ie: we split plane ticket costs, hotel costs, etc. if need be), which is a great idea and I’m very happy that he was even willing to do that!
We met in October for the first time, then he came down here in December, then after that he’d come back for my birthday or I’d go up there around March. He got laid off in January as soon as he got home from visiting me – a lay off that was expected to only last a month as lasted four and will continue until god knows when thus resulting in us not seeing each other at all. Now…I understand the circumstances behind his lay off, I understand he has no control over that but what I do not understand is this – a lay off that one expected to last only a month has now lasted four, and you have no clue as to when you’re going back to work and you still have bills to pay along with a girlfriend that would like to see you sometime between now and next year, you would assume he’d go find another job even if it’s only temp until he gets his regular job back. Even if it’s to be able to afford to see me because HE WON’T LET ME buy a ticket for him to come down because of the whole splitting down the middle thing. It frustrates me because in a YEAR of dating, we’ve seen each other TWICE, not only that my whole idea of our one year anniversary is messed up because of this.
I always wanted that special day/night with the person I love, my boyfriend and I never have got it – I felt like I would be able to experience that with him, one year anniversary rolls around we go out for a nice day together, nice dinner later, flowers etc the whole nine yards; something that HE planned for us, because I guess I’m old fashion or a hopeless romantic that thinks the guy should do those kinds of things but instead…I’m the one planning everything and it kind of bums me out. Granted, the ideas I’ve come up with so far I think will make for a very special, memorable and amazing day/night, it still bums me out that he won’t be planning the romantic stuff and I won’t be the one being all surprised – call it selfish if you want that is fine.
Like I don’t even know…I don’t even want to continue just because I feel like I’m not justified in any of how I feel and I feel like all I’m doing is complaining, but what I do feel inside hurts…and it hurts a lot. I miss my boyfriend more than I could have ever imagined and I hurt so much inside because he, honestly and truly, does not realize and does not know how I really do feel and how hurt I feel inside. I don’t feel close to him anymore like I did before because every time I open my mouth…an argument starts or I’m getting told that I’m nagging or complaining when 9 times out of 10 I’m explaining how I feel or why I feel a certain way. I want to be happy but all I do is pick – all I do is find something to point a finger at…
I’m not perfect, no one is perfect and I’m not always the best girlfriend but I do know I am a good girlfriend…I don’t know if it’s the distance that has honestly got to me that bad or if it is something else, but I wish it’d go away. I just want my boyfriend to love me and care about me, I want him to want me like I want him and I want him to be happy. He can tell me until he’s blue in the face that he does feel all these things, but feeling and doing are two different things – if you don’t do or say, how will someone ever know? I blame myself for so many things and I’m angry at myself because I’ve made our relationship suck…and I just want to fix it. I want it go back to how it was when we first started talking…I just want to be his; I want him to look at me and think, I really love this girl, she is absolutely amazing in my eyes and she completely has my heart, she makes me truly happy and she is what I’ve been looking for all along. I want to be loved in the same way that I love. I don’t know if I am…and no matter how hard things may be or get at times and no matter how things may be or get when we’re together, eventually, he needs to realize that I’d never turn my back on him and walk away - I’d never just give up because “I can’t do this anymore,” the issues/problems we have are not so serious that our relationship should end, I just need him to step up and work with me rather than against me, it’s all I ask and I don’t ask for much. I love him, I truly do.
Tags: Alan, Relationships
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:48 am
It seems to me, like you’re taking too much responsibility for things that are completely out of your control. It seems like he needs to do some self evaluating because you cannot MAKE him take things differently. You have a right to be able to vent, discuss, etc.. whatever you may feel the need to and the attitude of “Well, it’s an argument” is a childish thing to do imo. Mature adults address problems and communicate about them like you want to do. It’s hard to fix something when it’s all one sided, i experienced this in my last relationship. It’s a big difference when you’re with someone who will work with you and you can see that yeah, I’m entitled to feel this way and he doesn’t need to assume it’s for this or that reason. The 4 month layoff? He needs to at least be trying to look into getting another job. Being together for a year and seeing each other only twice? One would think that he would be putting more effort into this whole thing so that you two could be physically together more than you have been.
You’re not the bad guy here, you two need to talk and he needs to step up in the responsibility department for your relationship to work. You deserve that much.