I often feel like I’m going crazy sometimes and that my life never gets the chance to just chill out. I often feel like the minute things start to look up or start going good, something happens to change that all. Some how in between there I get told them I’m crazy, too emotional and I just need to relax and yet the people telling me this honestly don’t understand how my life feels to ME – that no, I’m not lying when I say something ALWAYS seems to be happening around me whether it involves me or doesn’t, and that no, I’m not lying when I say I FEEL like something always happens the minute things start to feel better and get better.

The last two months have felt like hell for me because of the constant “issues” between Alan and I. It’s made me so unhappy and I’ve tried so hard to figure out how to change that feeling. In the end, I’m emotional and I need to relax, in the end I’m just unhappy and can’t be happy but then when I really think about it, I’m completely justified in how I feel. Sure, part of it is just me and the way I am and how I see things in my own mind but the other part has everything to do with him and how he treats me, acts and reacts to me. I try to be the best girlfriend that I possibly can be, not because I have too but because I want too; I don’t go out of my way to do anything special except what I expect myself to do because it’s the kind of girlfriend I want to be and it’s the kind of girlfriend I’ve always tried to be despite who I was dating. He can’t argue and has never argued that I’m a good girlfriend, that I do more than I probably should but at the same time, I don’t get the same in return. I’ve never thought anyone would ever give me back what I’ve always given because no one else is like me, I am my own person but like I told him – I try REALLY HARD to treat people the way I would want to be treated and that despite getting upset and angry sometimes, I still try to treat people (in a general sense) how I would want to be treated.

I don’t even feel wanted anymore. With our relationship being long distance, we don’t have that physical connection and yes that is a big deal to me but we try to make up for that in other ways and yet…he turns me down, time after time and I’m suppose to just be okay with that? No, it makes me feel unwanted and unloved and how can I continue feeling like my boyfriend loves me when I’m constantly being turned down? I can’t. I know he does, but I can’t. And so on top of all this, trying to be happy with my relationship when deep down I just feel unwanted, I have been hit with a bill of $2300 for my car or at least that’s how much it will take to fix the entire thing. It upsets me because I don’t have the full amount to just get it done but also because what I do need to get done – the tie rods and radiator – is going to cut into the money I was going to use to buy myself a new PC. It never fails that when I plan out how I want to use my money that I never get to spend it on myself. I never buy myself gifts, I never ask for anything because no one else has the money and FINALLY, FINALLY when I get the chance to buy myself something nice because my PC is about to die – I can’t because something else comes up.

I would absolutely love to be able to get a new car, but I know it’s not logical – not now. Sure, it could be for the next few months but what happens after I leave for school and I’m either not able to work as much or out of work for awhile, while I adjust to new life? Payments don’t adjust to your life situations, but you have to make adjustments for your payments. That’s what irritates me even more is that I’ll be sinking money into something that I really dont’ feel is worth it but yet have no other choice because it wouldn’t be smart or logical to get a newer car where I’d have a monthly payment. And so, my life continues…good, to bad, to good just to go bad again. I try my very hardest to not be negative, and I try my very hardest to keep my head up but it’s so fucking hard to do that when honestly you never seem to get a break because SOMETHING is always going on, and SOMETHING is always happening.

This is why I stress out so much. This is why I am so unhappy all the time. And this is why I just wish I had someone who understood that could in some way comfort me and tell me that it will be okay and it will get better and in the end…I’ll be completely fine.