Recently, I was reading one of my daily reads and came across an article that had been posted in an entry entitled The benefits of keeping a private journal. In this article it talks about introspection which is

the observation or examination of one’s own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

Not only was the article a good read, but I realized that I need to participate in introspection more often and that by doing so I will only benefit myself and possibly figure out where my emotions come from.

The idea of introspection comes to me at a great time because within the last two months, my life has been an emotional whirlwind steaming from issues of the past and present, that has caused a major strain to be put on Alan and I’s relationship. After thinking about the definition of introspection, I realized that if I were to write more often I would allow myself to think about my emotions and be given the chance to react to them differently, instead of dumping the stress, hurt and pain onto Alan’s shoulders. I also realized that when I was younger, I use to write on a daily basis whether it was in a paper journal or through stories/poem and I felt better about the craziness of life after I wrote it down because it gave me a chance to spill my guts, my frustrations, my anger, my happiness without effecting the emotions of another person.

If there is one thing that I could change about myself it would be how I react to situations and how I react to things that invoke hard emotion. I am an emotional person, more so now than I ever was before but instead of writing about these things, I have chosen to dump them on Alan, hoping that he would somehow be able to wave a magic wand and make it better. I realize that this doesn’t work and it only puts a tension between us because he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do and where exactly my feelings come from. He’s not at fault for this because he isn’t me but instead of taking the time to understand my own emotions,  I get more upset and upset with him for not understanding which then creates the whirlwind that we’ve been in the last two months.

Because of my lack of introspection and the lack of understanding of my own emotions, I have caused my boyfriend, my best friend, my lover and the one person I hold closest to my heart to believe that our relationship can’t work and will fail. Neither of us want to be without the other, but by the same token, neither of us can continue living and continue our relationship in the rut we are in. However, when that moment of truth comes and I say that I have to walk away…I always turn right back around and hate myself for the ‘decision’ I made because I love Alan too much to ever walk away from him and I hate myself for making him believe our relationship will fail. I can only blame myself for the problems we’ve had the last two months because they were all created by me and I admit that and take full responsibility for it, but at the same time I just want it to get better and I realize that it will only get better if I deal with the issues I have within myself.

Alan has never been cause of my emotions, he has never been an issue I’ve had to deal with but he has been my dumping site and to him, I apologize greatly for that. This has only happened due to the fact that he’s the only person I have in my life that I feel fully comfortable with sharing my most personal feelings and problems with, and because of that if I need someone to talk too he’s the first person I call. However, if I take the time to write out my feelings before hand than I will allow myself to think about what has been written and why I feel a certain way, instead of jumping straight into a conversation saying things that haven’t been fully thought about. I have said many things to Alan that were hurtful, from you’re an asshole to you’re the biggest stress in my life, and I am mad at myself that I even allowed those things to come out of my mouth to the person I love, and I realize that it wasn’t ever anything he’s done or said but rather an attempt to try and make myself feel better because I’ve been miserable. In the end, I have been selfish and wanted someone else to be miserable with me and I can’t believe I’ve acted so immaturely.

Alan has been patient with me, he’s never threatened to walk way from me and he’s never turned his back on me. It has only been when I said I was going to walk away and did for a short period of time, that he allowed me too because I have made him unhappy because of the way I’ve been acting, reacting and treating him. Our relationship is the last thing in the world that I want to lose and it’s the last thing in my life that has problems – we have no problems in our relationship at all, it honestly is ‘perfect’ but I have created false problems because of unhappiness within, that has not a damn thing to do with him and he doesn’t deserve that. I realize that I need to change my thought process and I need to take control of my emotions because they have control over me right now – I cannot risk losing the one person that has showed me true love and has been patient with me from the beginning, for real. I just hope that if he reads this (I’m sure he will sometime) that he understands that I am trying and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with my emotions, and that he does realize that it NEVER had anything to do with him and that I apologize from the bottom of my heart for all the tension I have created…I never wanted to walk away, and I never want to see him walk away – that is why I am still here and that is why I am still fighting.

I’m human which means I’m the epitome of imperfection…this is one of them.

Tags: Alan, Introspection, Life

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 2:51 am and is filed under Life Lessons. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.