In the last two months, I have come to realize that I do not take the time to just be with myself; I don’t take the time to pamper myself and really reflect on how I am feeling, what is going on in my life, what my goals are and what exactly it is I am working towards. In the last two months, I have “tried” without actually wanting to, to break up with Alan, I have “tried” to get him to leave, I have said things that I do not mean, I have stressed myself out beyond belief worrying about my school work and knowing I must do extremely well so that I can get into MSU; in the last two months, I have literally made myself sick on numerous occasions without really doing much at all except stressing out.

There are many “issues” deep down that have not been dealt with because I’m not exactly sure HOW to deal with them; there are many words that should have been said along time ago, and even if they were said now it would still make me feel ten times better, but I am afraid to say said words. Most of it has to do with how I feel about my dad and still, after close to eight years of being divorced from my mom, how I feel that he has abandoned me completely and wants nothing to do with me. I realize that these feelings make me look towards Alan for positive reinforcement and encouragement and it isn’t fair to him. I also realize, more so now than I did before, that I have “issues” with envy and such because of the things I feel were taken away from me because of my dad. For example, Alan’s best friend, Ben, moved out of state at the end of September 2007 which was a few weeks prior to me going to Michigan for the first time…Ben is coming home to Michigan this coming weekend for a short visit which means Alan will most likely be with him and their other friends. At the same time, he’s hanging out with Ben I will be on my way to and in Kansas helping my brother move; I shouldn’t be upset over this or even in the slightest bit bothered but I am.

I’m not upset, but I feel agitated when I think about it and I finally told him the other night that, as lame as it may sound, it’s because I am jealous. I am jealous because he has friends, GOOD friends, which I don’t have, I am jealous because even though Ben lives out of state now, the other friends he does have can hang out with him any time he wants too and I only get to see him every few months until I move up there for school. I realize that it’s not me being mad at Alan because he has done nothing at all, but he’s the one who gets the lashing out if you will for my feeling the way I do. I feel horrible when I do this and I’ve told him that he doesn’t deserve to be treated the way I have treated him before - I don’t treat him bad, but I don’t need to lash out at him with my feelings especially when it doesn’t really concern him. I guess because he’s the only one I really can talk too about how I really feel, the anger gets directed towards him when I don’t mean for it be.

In the end, I realize that the only way I’m going to deal with and be able to let go completely of everything is to say what I need too to the people my feelings are really directed at; if only I could find the courage to do so. It’s not that I am scared to say what I feel, it’s just that I know what I want to say and the fact that it’s to my dad/step-mom that I will become so upset that I won’t be able to make it through without having to stop, which would make the conversation and attempt pointless. Sigh…I love Alan to death and he makes me happy - I just wish he knew it wasn’t him that I was upset at and understand my reasons for getting ‘upset’ over something as lame as him being able to hang out with friends.

Tags: Alan, Dad, Family, Feelings, Reflection

This entry was posted on Friday, February 22nd, 2008 at 1:04 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.