Since Alan left I’ve been feeling rather blah – I miss him a lot and being able to pick up the phone to hear his voice, not having that just makes me feel empty. I had my interview with Bath and Body works today, it went well I guess. The manager interviewed me at the same time she interviewed another girl which was odd, and then gave us instructions for the 2nd part of the interview process which was a phone assessment. I did the phone assessment when I got home from the interview and I’ll call tomorrow after my Old Navy interview (depending on what they say) to tell the Bath and Body manager that I did the assessment; I’ll have to wait to hear back about being hired though. I think that I’ll be okay either way with either job as far as getting hired goes, so we’ll see.

Like I said at the beginning, I miss Alan…it’s only been the third day since he left (he left Saturday morning at 4am) but I feel like poo. It feels weird going to sleep without hearing his voice before hand and talking from 9pm until sleep time and hearing him say I love you. It’s kind of silly considering he’ll be back at the end of the week (sometime Saturday), but even so…you get use to doing things a certain way every day and when those routines change you feel out of sync, at least I do. Not to mention, we didn’t have a very good conversation the night before (Friday) he left as I was upset because I feel like he doesn’t talk to me. I want him to be able to talk to me about ANYTHING – good or bad, random or specific. I want him to stop thinking that something is wrong whenever I am not as talkative as usual, sometimes I would like to listen to him and hear what he has to say; I feel like I talk too much, but then again he is a listener and so he doesn’t mind when I just ramble about random stupid things, but sometimes I would like to be the listener. I feel bad because I know I made him feel bad which wasn’t my intention at all…it never is, I hate how that works; you try to talk to someone, a friend, family member, a significant other about an issues you’re having with them – it may not be major but just something you have a thought or feeling about – and they take it like you’re attacking them.

It upsets me a great deal when I feel like I’ve hurt his feelings or made him feel bad because he is an amazing person, he’s an amazing boyfriend and I honestly could not ask for anyone better – he is everything that I want and everything that I need and he makes me completely happy. But like all relationships, you have your up’s and down’s and you have your little areas where you can improve on and this is just one of those things that needs improvement. We have no major problems, hell we have no problems at all but just areas where we can improve…maybe it’s the way I come off when I try to explain my feelings to him and how it upsets me that I feel like he can’t talk to me when his reasoning is he has a hard time communicating with people that aren’t physically in front of him – we’re long distance right now. Maybe that is so, but what can I do to try and make the situation better? To help him figure out how he CAN communicate better or start communicating? It’s not like he sits on the phone silent every time we talk, but the majority of the time it’s me talking about random stuff or how my day was or something going on with me. If I get silent or I’m not that talkative, he assumes something is wrong and/or doesn’t engage in conversation. This is the only thing that really bugs me…I don’t know what to do or what to say so that he doesn’t feel like I’m attacking him.

This time around as far as being in a relationship goes, I’ve been better at telling the person I’m with (in this case Alan) how I feel – I try to not blame him or say it’s his fault but rather say things like ‘I feel…’ or ‘I am…’. I’ve tried to improve on this because I realize in the past that because I wasn’t very vocal when I would be upset or happy that I got walked all over and while I don’t believe he’d ever be that way, it’s always a good thing to be able to talk to your partner about your feelings and be able to work on things together if it involves the other person. This relationship means the world to me, he means the world to me, I’d do anything for him…he IS a great boyfriend and he DOES make me happy despite him thinking sometimes that he can’t keep me happy. He’s the love of my life and for the first time, I can honestly say it feels right.

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On a side note, I worked on the new theme a little bit earlier but got frustrated with it when I realized that everything was not lining up correctly in Firefox – it looks the way it should when I view it in Internet Explorer and because I never fully switched to Firefox as my main browser, I tend to design around how things look in IE which isn’t always the correct way. I’ll have to go back later and figure out how to fix it so it looks normal in Firefox AND Internet Explorer, grr. If any of you have any suggestions as far as getting coding to work correctly in both Firefox and IE, I’d appreciate it if you could leave me links in the comments or email me; I’ll search around a bit later but it has to do with the CSS for the div tags, and having things set to a certain width which lines them up in IE but then you look at the site in FF and it’s off…ugh!

Tags: Alan, Communication, Love, Website

This entry was posted on Monday, November 5th, 2007 at 9:54 pm and is filed under Relationship. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.